I believe

...in tender mercies.

...I can do hard things because God often comforts us and answers our prayers through His children.

...I am a lot happier when I don't take myself (my work, my education, my hobbies) too seriously.

...life is enjoyable when we actually take time to live in the moment. And when I say live in the moment, I'm talking about accepting what's going on around you, expressing gratitude, and then deciding whether or not you will improve your circumstance.

...I really like midnight snacks.

...in Christmas.

Photo by George Deputee, Flickr

Sculptures

(Under construction)

There are a lot of things I want to say, a lot of feelings I want to express; but limited vocabulary, a blocked thought process, and fatigue reign in my desire to let loose and just...write. But I will try anyway....

Gratitude
In the past few weeks, I've made a conscious effort to walk more slowly, look more attentively, listen more quietly, and feel more deeply as I enjoy my last days as a BYU student on BYU campus. As you can guess (and something that is a common theme on this blog), my efforts have resulted in lots of personal reflection and meditation. I can't recall how many times I've hiked up the stairs SW of campus, panting incessantly as I trek toward the JFSB, McKay, or the Brimhall, but I know that I like the 10 minutes of cardio it gives me. I can't count how many times I've strolled (or speed walked) down the lane near the Maeser toward the WILK, but I know that green leaves is my favorite color. I can't remember the exact place where I laid to take my afternoon naps many semesters ago, but I know that sleeping under the sun is relaxing and effective. I can't say how many times I've walked through Brigham Square, but I do know that the Wasatch mountains reach their prime at exactly 6:08 p.m. on a summer's evening. I can't tell you how many times I've traveled to the SFH in rain, snow, or sun, but I do know that room A has the better treadmills. I can't recall how many seas of faces I've seen over the semesters, but I do know that almost nothing is more eventful than seeing a familiar smile greet me as I'm rushing to class.

To be a Student
I once had a professor tell me, quite passionately, how lucky it is to be a BYU student. I brushed his comment aside as if it were a stale joke. Tons of faculty say we're lucky to be BYU students; they must get bonuses each time they say it. But now that my time is almost up, I finally understand what he was talking about. I am lucky to be a BYU student. Not only do I have the privilege of walking around a beautiful campus, but I am also blessed to learn from professors who want me to succeed, who want me to drink in all the knowledge and experience I can so that when I enter the real world I have a firm foundation to stand on. Also, being a BYU student has given me the chance to serve in a student ward--an environment that taught (and continues to teach) me more about service than I'd ever learned before.

Change
The past three years of my life have been dynamic, to say the least. I've been stretched, pruned, plucked, refined, softened, molded, bent, broken, bruised, healed, etc. I've met incredible people who inspired me to be a better person, and I've learned how to work hard for what matters most. More importantly, my experiences in the last several years have taught me more about God' ways, and how I fit in with the eternal scheme of things. Prophets in the Book of Mormon said that one reason for recording their histories was to show their children how merciful and how loving Heavenly Father really is. When I look back at old blog posts and past journal entries, it is clear that God surely does love His children, for God has shown me more love than I can even recall (see second paragraph of this post).

Who I am today is not who I was two or three years ago. I feel like each trial and experience has tapped into my divine potential, slowly chipping away at a mold that will someday have very smooth surfaces and detailed features.

Reminiscing...already?

Lately, I've had a strange wave of emotion hit me throughout the past few weeks. It comes in constant, frequent intervals.

I've mentioned before that graduation is looming. For a while, this terrified me. Today, it still makes me a bit anxious, but I'm acclimating more and more to the idea of moving on to life's next phase. I guess this is a good place to mention that I consider myself the type of person who can adapt to any situation: I just need  a little time.

Apparently, I need 8 months of prep time in order to adjust to post-college grad life--because lately I feel as if I'm living the feelings I'm going to feel a year from now, when I'm living somewhere else, working full time, and trying my best to be an adult. It's like I'm getting the chance to be my future 22-year-old self who will be sitting in my bed looking at old pictures and reflecting back on my time at BYU. As my pseudo self, I feel extremely grateful for every experience I've had, both the easy and the hard. And I feel a longing to go back to my small brick house where every morning I get the chance to walk outside and be instantly amazed by the beautiful Wasatch front. I feel a yearning to walk the small, harduous hike up the stairs on the SW corner of campus, head straight for the Brimhall and get to work. And I feel a strong sense of nostalgia to go back to the student wards where I am surrounded by incredible people who taught me more about love, service, and character.

Having these feelings stimulates two reactions: first, it sparks an strong inner desire in me to invest completely in these last few months at BYU: to love the people more sincerely; to serve friends/acquaintences/strangers better; to work more passionately in school and work; to establish more long-lasting habits that will be difficult to start after school is over; to wake up every morning and express gratitude to my Heavenly Father for the amazing opportunity He gave me to come to this university and discover myself in greater detail. My second reaction is to begin detaching emotionally. In my head, the latter makes sense; but my heart won't allow it.

There are several things I've felt confident about since this strange wave of emotion has come. I know that I'm going to miss BYU terribly (the lifestyle, the people, the opportunities, the weather, the mountains, etc).  And I also know that I want to make my very last semester the absolute best semester out of them all. I'm not sure if I can top my past experiences, but I have a sincere desire to invest one last time in everything I can. This is partly why I care about being real. I only have a few months left to prove that in the past 2 years I've learned so much about myself and who I want to become. I want to demonstrate that I'm a good person who cares about the people I interact with,  and I want to serve YOU as best I can.

I'm not sure why I'm being given a pre-departure wave of emotion. It's certainly been a catalyst for a lot of gratitude, which I am grateful for :-) Perhaps, in being my pseudo self, I will realize what truly matters to me most, and I will trust more in God's plan.

Before my oldest brother left on his mission, my dad gathered the family in the front room and gave our family what he called an "important and serious talk." He proceeded to discuss the concept of change and how a lot of that would start to occur as Glen was leaving to serve a mission, I would soon be starting college, Tanner would be entering high school, and the list of changes went on. My dad then said something that I'll never forget: "After Glen leaves, our family will never be the same as it is now. You will each begin to grow up as you experience different parts of life." At first, this idea brought great sadness to my heart. I didn't want my family to change. I wanted everything to stay as it always had; after all, that's where I've always felt most comfortable. Fortunately, my father continued with more hope. "But this change is OK. Because I want you all to remember that life just continues to get better. And we must have faith in that. We must believe that things will always get better. We might experience some harder, rougher times before things get better, but things--in the end--will always improve for our family as we live the commandments and follow God's will for us."(I'm paraphrasing, but I think my memory is pretty accurate...)

As I am currently experiencing these future waves of nostalgia (if I can call them that), I feel the need to recall my father's advice, that life just continues to get better. I've loved my time at BYU. I will never forget this phase of my life. I remember when I felt that way about high school--and I can honestly say that college has been 10x better than high school. So then who's to say the next phase won't be even better than my undergrad years in Provo? Who's to say that faith doesn't apply to the future?

I'm going to really miss this place. . .but I believe that my life will continue to get even better!

(2008-2010)

I didn't think it would happen

On Monday morning at approximately 5:45 a.m., I will be taking a big step. A step I didn't plan on taking. A step I rejected several months ago for a plethora of reasons.

But life happens. Plans change and so do people.

Ladies and gentlemen, in just over 24 hours I will be here:

In New York City. Stepping off the plane and headed straight for the heart of Manhattan. Joining me are 26 other advertising students and one professor. Together we'll all partake of and [possibly] be inspired by the lights, the smells, the people and the business. 

For some, this trip might seem like a fun get-away vacation from school. But that's not how I see it. No, no. This trip is an extremely crucial step for me this semester. Sure, it will be a blast, but I've got questions and I need answers. I'm going to New York for five days to test the waters. I need to find out whether or not I could actually see myself living in the big city pursuing my professional career. For two years my feelings on the matter have fluctuated between "yes, I'm going and nothing will stop me!" to "Nah, New York City and advertising and a career aren't for me." But the time for dangling my feet off the fence of indecision is passing. I'm single, I'm almost graduated, and I'm at a crossroads. It's time to make some important decisions (gosh, I hate being an adult sometimes...yet at the same time, I feel invigorated by my boldness. About three weeks ago I made the decision on a whim that I was going to pay my own way. And I did.  I've got one plane ticket and a reserved bed in a hostel, and I'm all ready to go). 

Perhaps I've over-anticipated the outcome of this trip. I like to think that my taking this trip very seriously has prepared me for active observation and appropriate reflection. I like to think I'm ready for whatever inner emotional roller coaster this trip may cause, or the possible peaceful resolutions it brings. Whatever the outcome, I can assure you I'm excited. And happy. And grateful for this opportunity. In all truth, I'm ready to search things out in my mind so that I can feel peace in my heart. 

While in New York I hope to gain insight into the following questions: 

1. Is this something I really want? If so, do I want it for the right reasons? 

2. What are my feelings as I attend different conferences, seminars, and agency visits? 

3. What is the one thing my heart years for as I walk block to block, surrounded by thousands of people? Will it crave for more of what I'm submerged in (skyscrapers, bustling business people in business suits, hot dog stands on streets corners, taxi cabs, etc)? Or will it ache for familiarity, wide open spaces, and home? 

Well, that's what I'm up to for the next week. I'll share any insights I glean upon my return. 

Ciao bellas! 

Image courtesy of Google.