Lately, I've had a strange wave of emotion hit me throughout the past few weeks. It comes in constant, frequent intervals.
I've mentioned before that graduation is looming. For a while, this terrified me. Today, it still makes me a bit anxious, but I'm acclimating more and more to the idea of moving on to life's next phase. I guess this is a good place to mention that I consider myself the type of person who can adapt to any situation: I just need a little time.
Apparently, I need 8 months of prep time in order to adjust to post-college grad life--because lately I feel as if I'm living the feelings I'm going to feel a year from now, when I'm living somewhere else, working full time, and trying my best to be an adult. It's like I'm getting the chance to be my future 22-year-old self who will be sitting in my bed looking at old pictures and reflecting back on my time at BYU. As my pseudo self, I feel extremely grateful for every experience I've had, both the easy and the hard. And I feel a longing to go back to my small brick house where every morning I get the chance to walk outside and be instantly amazed by the beautiful Wasatch front. I feel a yearning to walk the small, harduous hike up the stairs on the SW corner of campus, head straight for the Brimhall and get to work. And I feel a strong sense of nostalgia to go back to the student wards where I am surrounded by incredible people who taught me more about love, service, and character.
Having these feelings stimulates two reactions: first, it sparks an strong inner desire in me to invest completely in these last few months at BYU: to love the people more sincerely; to serve friends/acquaintences/strangers better; to work more passionately in school and work; to establish more long-lasting habits that will be difficult to start after school is over; to wake up every morning and express gratitude to my Heavenly Father for the amazing opportunity He gave me to come to this university and discover myself in greater detail. My second reaction is to begin detaching emotionally. In my head, the latter makes sense; but my heart won't allow it.
There are several things I've felt confident about since this strange wave of emotion has come. I know that I'm going to miss BYU terribly (the lifestyle, the people, the opportunities, the weather, the mountains, etc). And I also know that I want to make my very last semester the absolute best semester out of them all. I'm not sure if I can top my past experiences, but I have a sincere desire to invest one last time in everything I can. This is partly why I care about being real. I only have a few months left to prove that in the past 2 years I've learned so much about myself and who I want to become. I want to demonstrate that I'm a good person who cares about the people I interact with, and I want to serve YOU as best I can.
I'm not sure why I'm being given a pre-departure wave of emotion. It's certainly been a catalyst for a lot of gratitude, which I am grateful for :-) Perhaps, in being my pseudo self, I will realize what truly matters to me most, and I will trust more in God's plan.
Before my oldest brother left on his mission, my dad gathered the family in the front room and gave our family what he called an "important and serious talk." He proceeded to discuss the concept of change and how a lot of that would start to occur as Glen was leaving to serve a mission, I would soon be starting college, Tanner would be entering high school, and the list of changes went on. My dad then said something that I'll never forget: "After Glen leaves, our family will never be the same as it is now. You will each begin to grow up as you experience different parts of life." At first, this idea brought great sadness to my heart. I didn't want my family to change. I wanted everything to stay as it always had; after all, that's where I've always felt most comfortable. Fortunately, my father continued with more hope. "But this change is OK. Because I want you all to remember that life just continues to get better. And we must have faith in that. We must believe that things will always get better. We might experience some harder, rougher times before things get better, but things--in the end--will always improve for our family as we live the commandments and follow God's will for us."(I'm paraphrasing, but I think my memory is pretty accurate...)
As I am currently experiencing these future waves of nostalgia (if I can call them that), I feel the need to recall my father's advice, that life just continues to get better. I've loved my time at BYU. I will never forget this phase of my life. I remember when I felt that way about high school--and I can honestly say that college has been 10x better than high school. So then who's to say the next phase won't be even better than my undergrad years in Provo? Who's to say that faith doesn't apply to the future?
I'm going to really miss this place. . .but I believe that my life will continue to get even better!
(2008-2010)
