Do you ever take time to just remember? I feel the need to let loose a long string of thoughts. I'm not worried about making sense. I just want to record some of my thought and feelings, hopefully as an attempt to sort everything out.
I remember when I started my freshman year at ASU. I was mortified! I would get to school at 7 a.m., walk for miles (at least that's what it felt like trecking from the Institute Building to the COOR), and then come home to finish homework and go to sleep so I could start it all over again. After six weeks of repeating this cycle, I remember coming home in tears, feeling so completely overwhelmed. "I can't do it! It's so hard! All is do is study, study, and study. I don't hang out with anyone, I'm exhausted from walking, and I feel like I have no idea what's going on!" Oh, how naive I was back then. My semester ended rather successfully: straight As and a part-time job at Bath and Body Works (my first
real job). I probably only hung out once or twice with people, but that was OK with me I guess. The next semester would be just as difficult, only by then I kinda knew the ropes of college life. I toughened up so the long walks around campus didn't feel so strenuous, kept up my studies, and having a 7 o'clock geology lab kept me up bright and early every day. My grades weren't quite as superb by the time May rolled around, but fortunately I had learned how to develop some kind of college social life--although, to this day I don't recall at all who I hung out with or what we did.
And then, it was time for summer school. I skipped our family vacation to New York so that I could take philosophy and political science as a way to check off credits in preparation for my transfer to BYU. I enjoyed my philosophy class; my political science course helped me remember why I never liked AP Government. As soon as finals were over, I packed my bags and left for Europe on a study abroad through Utah State. I had the time of my life with 4 other girls and two professors. I learned a lot about art history, but most importantly I learned a lot about myself. So I took those newly discovered insights and those same packed bags to BYU (you've already heard that story, so I'll skip some of those details). I would continue to enroll in school full time every semester while jumping from one on-campus job to the next--all the while meeting awesome people and learning hard, important lessons. Sometimes I didn't like learning those lessons. But the grooming that took place was certainly necessary. Two and half years later I packed my belongings yet again to travel the world.
And here I am.
I've spent a little time this evening looking back at old photo albums from the past three years. I couldn't help but smile, and even laugh at all the memories I've preserved. Some are happy. Others are sad. But all have been good. As I jumped from one album to the next, I could actually see physical changes in myself. Aside from the normal weight fluctuation every girl experiences, I could also see transformations in my countenance. Maybe I'm just crazy, but I swear that I can tell the difference between the times when I was really doing a great job of taking care of myself. I look happier in those pictures--seriously. It's crazy!
Each and every photo has it's own story. And each story has a plot, climax, antagonist and protagonist, and a moral. In remembering past embers, I am blessed with a feeling of gratitude for every thing that has happened to me. But more importantly, the embers give me hope that the future holds unlimited possibilities. While I'm pretty happy with the person I've become, as I stared at old versions of myself, part of my wanted to cry out, "Katie! Just be happy. Just be yourself! Just live your life. Stop stressing and worrying all the time. Everything works out just as it needs to." It's funny to realize that 21-year-old Katie isn't so different from 18-year-old Katie: still ambitious, still Type A, still too serious about everything, still too much of a perfectionist, still hard working, still obsessed with becoming better and better each moment. Thankfully, though, I have changed in some ways. I'm more committed to things I pursue. I'm more understanding of people around me (although, empathy is something I'll always be developing). And I've learned how to actually have fun at a dance party. Go figure!
I think the most important thing I felt while remembering the past three years was a small sense of relief in the fact that I'm actually a pretty cool person. I have done hard things, I have endured hard things, and I can look forward to hard things to come. Also, I feel prompted and encouraged to keep being better. It's like Julie B. Beck said last regional conference, you're doing better than you think you are, but there is still more you can do.
Now, normally this is where I would write about how determined I am to figure out what more I can do to be better. I would set my goals, write 'em down, and get to work. But I don't think I'm going to do that this time. Instead of telling God how I think I should prioritize my growth, I think I'll give him the reigns. After all, if life has taught me anything it's that God knows us so much better than we know ourselves. In fact, God knows everything about us--including which weaknesses and strengths need our attention at the present time. So instead of plowing forward like a donkey with it's blinders, I'm choosing to be still, and wait for the natural metamorphosis to take place. It's a funny feeling, trying to sit still. I'm not very good at it (my dad always says that we're usually never very good at something the first time we try it). So I guess you could say I have some practice up ahead (there I go again, trying to plow my way forward). However, it's an exciting and reassuring thing to look forward to. "Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side. Bear
patiently the cross of grief or pain. Leave to thy God to order and provide. In every change he faithful will remain. Be still, my soul. Thy best, thy heavenly, Friend. Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end."
I am grateful for memory. It brings joy and sorry and every other emotion in existence. I am grateful for a feeling heart, even though sometimes I get to feel things I'd really rather not experience. But with every sliver of doubt, anguish or pain I feel comes a much greater reward of peace, security, and joy. Opposition in all things, right?
I bear testimony that Heavenly Father knows us and loves and is seriously interested in our happiness. Because of this, he gives us the experiences we need to become the best version of ourselves. The grooming process is painful, but so worth the changes. I know that if we greet the situations that cause us to grow, then we will be blessed with the power to overcome all evil. I know that my Savior is real, and that he surely did save us from bitterness and death. I know Joseph Smith is a prophet of God who, through the power of God's Holy Spirit, restored the everlasting good news of the gospel. And surely it is good news--it has blessed my life continually.
These are my thoughts. These are my feelings. These are my memories.
