You know those moments when you decide to be bold, get our of your comfort zone, do something that's out of your range, and then it totally backfires?
Ok, maybe backfire is a harsh word, but still...I had one of those moments tonight when I attempted to play a foreign violin in front of half the JC 2011 student body. Our branch president, who happens to be a total music guru and past theory professor at BYU, wanted to get a taste of what music talent we had. So of course, I said I could play the violin; however, according to my performance tonight no one would have guessed it.
It was horrible! I cracked and squeeked and ugh...it just sounded awful. Granted, it was a total last-minute shindig where I literally stood up from my seat in the big auditorium, asked a girl in front of me if I could borrow her instrument, proceeded to the front of the stage, asked our branch president what his favorite hymn was (naturally he said he loved them all), and then attempted to sight read "In Humility Our Savior"--which isn't even that difficult, but without any warming up or experience with this foreign violin actually felt like a distressing ordeal that I never want to do again!
Luckily I only had to endure one verse. Uhhh...I'm still shuddering just thinking about it. If any of my past violin instructors would have heard me they would gasp and deny that I was ever their student.
People might say I'm being hard on myself, but that's what makes the situation even more awkward: I'm not being hard on myself! It really was terrible. Oh so...bad. And you gotta love it when people say you did a good job, but you know their just saying it to be nice (I do appreciate the gesture, but really...let's just all lift up the rug so I can crawl underneath and hide in shame, self pitty, and other such indulgences). Haha...we'll see if the branch president gives me a call back. Expectations are low at this point.
You know what urks me the most about this whole thing? It's that fact that I actually used to play the violin. I guess four years out of private lessons makes a musician depreciate a lot--not to mention that I was never very diligent about practicing in the old days anyway. Tonight as I heard some astounding performers I revered them for their passion and dedicated work ethic in developing their musical talent. It makes me wish I would have done the same.
But alas, I am a mere medicore girl. But mediocre is acceptable, right? hmm...maybe it's my competitive side that causes me to jump out compulsively and wish I could practice all hours of the day. That I could just be better. The sad truth is, I know I'll never do that. I've never been one to just sit and play an instrument all day long (except for when I was in regionals or practicing with the quartet I played in during high school). But I can't deny that I wish I were that kind of person, someone who will work night and day for months on end toward one goal. And then have the ability to share that end goal. Oh, what a dream.
OK, Ok, now I'm being dramatic. I know I can work hard. What do you think fall semester was all about? Stowaway magazine killed me, but I loved it all the same. I guess my point is that, I want to work again. I want to fall in love with something and I want it to become my life, my passion, my drive, my air. I want to be dedicated to something--maybe something even greater than myself. Music has always been a special part of my life, and I'm sad it's taken a back seat. Maybe I can pick it up again when I return from Jerusalem. Who knows.
All I do know is...dang! Tonight was awkward. (I can't tell what's more pathetic: the fact that I'm treating this very informal event like an All State audition, or my pitty party...hmmm).
Sympathy comments are not necessary. Perhaps this is what I get for hiding my "talent" under a bushel for so long. Thanks for reading :-)
PSS. The Center was great today. I enjoyed the sabbath; although, I look forward to officially getting over jet lag :-)
