Music has had its way with me this very Saturday morning...and other random thoughts

Listen Here.

"River Flows in You" by Yiruma \\ Piano

After listening to this song, I felt inspired to record some new goals/ambitions/dreams I'd like to set for myself.

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Someday, I would really, really like to...

 1. study about and visit Washington DC & Boston...

DC

Boston

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2. audition for this performance group...

Utah Valley Symphony

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3. cook like this girl...

Kelsey Nixon, see website

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4. write like this author

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love

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5. be a good mother like this woman....


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6. serve a mission...

7. study social work...

8. be wise and steadfast like these women...

Julie Beck, General Relief Society President

Sheri Dew, President of Desert Book Co.\\ former counselor in the General Relief Society Presidency

9. and see this sculpture in person...

The Louvre Museum in Paris

A few months ago, I was struggling to take hold of my personal life. I didn't know exactly what I wanted, which led me to feel uncertain about what I should be striving to become. To say I felt lost and confused is an understatement. I felt a lack of identity, completely unable to relate to anything or anyone. I decided to explain my predicament to my little brother, Tanner, who is who is currently serving his mission in Verecruz, Mexico. By the way, I love asking for Tanner's advice. He explains his perspective so bluntly. There's no sugar coating or hedging. Although his honesty can feel like a rug has been pulled out from underneath you, and even though you might slip and fall, his conviction is always there to help you get back up. Upon reading my concerns he told me quite strongly to take some time every morning to clear my thoughts from the negative forces that were holding me captive. "When you are finally free," he said, "write down everything you want to accomplish in the next 100 years. Don't put any limits on yourself. And don't believe in time constraints." The task seemed daunting, so I put it off for a long time. But after listening to some beautiful piano music this morning, I was reminded of my brother's advice; and so I have decided to write down all the tid bits of hope and ambition and inspiration I feel whenever they may grace my spirit--hence my small list above.

It is interesting how I can be blessed with great ambition and dream-seeking tendencies, and at the same time be given the confusing struggle of learning how to battle the negative forces that keep me from pursuing my heart's desires. Seriously. It's a difficult journey. It's like being locked in an emotional cage all. the. time. Sometimes I break away from the bars long enough to enjoy the sweet taste of hard work, companionship of the spirit, and commitment; but much of the time, I'm stuck in the rut of my own fears and indecision. I want to progress but don't know how. I want to change but am too afraid of the cost. Risk seems like the ultimate trial, and were it not for the help of friends and family, I might not get anywhere in this life. The trenches of my fear are deep, muddy, and even cold. What's even more interesting is that there is a part of me that easily falls prey to complacency and has miraculously found some sort of comfort in that dull place. But when I'm hit with rays of truth and hope, I realize my complacency is in actuality the most uncomfortable thing I can imagine. I often look at people who do exactly what they want to do and I wonder, "how did they do that? How could they be so brave?" I literally cannot piece together their progress. I mean, how could they have the nerve to do what makes them happy? How can they make a decision without looking back or second guessing themselves? I envy their courage and dream of being the kind of person who isn't afraid to be who they want to be.

There is a balance of course, a fine line between progressing gradually and frantically chasing dreams. A delicate yet distinct division between feeling content and being complacent. As an emotionally immature twenty something, I am still striving to find those fine lines. But perhaps the real solution is to focus more on priorities. If my priorities are in line with truth, then maybe I won't have to worry so much about whether or not I'm compulsively grabbing for more, more, more or truly becoming a better person: someone who is ever more converted to the gospel and living life according to God's loving and freeing curriculum.

Someday, I woud really like to do a lot of things. Today, I will start small; and hopefully with the correct guidance I will learn how best to organize and harness all the energy inside.

Ant to think: all these thoughts came from listening to one piano song. Who knew music could have such a strong impact?