I'll be honest: marriage TERRIFIES me

But this post put my fears into the proper perspective--at least for the afternoon. I always enjoy a well written, insightful post by people who empathize with my woes.

After all, worry warts and eccentric analysts gotta stick together.

On Vulnerability

Happiness is not Happenstance

"...people universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you don't, you will leak away your innate contentment. It's easy enough to pray when you're in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments." 

...whenever you feel those moments of happiness, you could consider praying this: "God, this is what I would like to hold on to. Please help me memorize this feeling of contentment and help me always support it. Continue to focus on diligent joy." (Eat, Pray, Love, p. 260). 

image via

Calling all women! (and men)

Sheri Dew, image via

Read THIS TALK. It's fantastic. 

I've been enlightened...

Current topic of interest

discipline vs. passion

How are they different? How are they similar? How do they work together? And, how do they work against you?

Change

"Christ says, 'Give me all. I don't want so much of your time and so much of your work: I want YOU. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it! No half measures are any good. I don't want to cut off a branch here and a branch there. I want to have the whole tree down. I don't want to drill the tooth or crown it, or stop it, but to have it out. Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked--the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you myself: my own will shall become yours."

-CS Lewis

Where do I begin?

Me and the Great Pyramid of Giza

I don't even know how to begin to explain the past 8 days of my life. For now, may this string of thoughts suffice:

wilderness pondering
kabbuts
white bread, white bread and more white bread
life in my suitcase
5-star hotels on the nile
camel rides and sugarcane
poverty 
packing, repacking
tour bus upohlstery 
ancient tombs and pyramids
Mt. Sinai at 2:30 AM + hymns
food, food, food
spiritual twinges 
fear, growth, and nourishment 
le bible 
political riots + safety 

Let it be said my week in Egypt changed my life.

More coming very soon. 

A Solitary Way

Anonymous 

There is a mystery in human hearts,
And though we be encircled by a host
Of those who love us well, and are beloved,
To every one of us, from time to time,
There comes a sense of utter loneliness.
Our dearest friend is “stranger” to our joy,
And cannot realize our bitterness.
“There is not one who really understands,
Not one to enter into all I feel,”
Such is the cry of each of us in turn.
We wander in “a solitary way,”*
No matter what or where our lot may be;
Each heart, mysterious even to itself,
Must live its inner life in solitude.
And would you know the reason why this is?
It is because the Lord desires our love.
In every heart He wishes to be first,
He therefore keeps the secret key Himself,
To open all its chambers, and to bless
With perfect sympathy and holy peace
Each solitary soul which comes to Him.
So when we feel this loneliness it is
The voice of Jesus saying, “Come to me”;
And every time we are “not understood,”
It is a call to us to come again:
For Christ alone can satisfy the soul.
And those who walk with Him from day to day
Can never have “a solitary way.”
And when beneath some heavy cross you faint
And say, “I cannot bear this load alone,”
You say the truth. Christ made it purposely
So heavy that you must return to Him.
The bitter grief, which “no one understands,”
Conveys a secret message from the King,
Entreating you to come to Him again.
The “Man of sorrows”* understands it well, “In all points tempted,”* He can feel with you;
You cannot come too often, or too near.
The Son of God is infinite in grace,
His presence satisfies the longing soul;
And those who walk with Him from day to day
Can never have “a solitary way.”

W.O.W.

Simply Real

This post inspired me today, and it makes me want to be simply real.

Like Bob, I want to battle the perfection disease, too. So here are six of my real & raw statements (well, this is about as real and raw as I'm able to be today):

1. I think I am incapable of committing when it comes to dating. I always choose to walk away from a potential relationship rather than giving myself or another person a chance. Mostly it's because I'm just not ready, even though I really wish I were.

2. I really like to help others feel happy, but this desire is often twisted into a people pleasing type of behavior. So often, I choose to live other people's dreams rather than my own in hopes of their acceptance.

3. I don't like to be called out on the little things. Mostly because I'm already acutely aware of my mistakes and blunders. However, I try really hard to recognize the importance of being able to laugh at my bloopers.

4. I overanalyze a lot, and my thought process throughout the day is all over the place! I have a lot on my mind and most of the time I just want to express it. I get frustrated when I can't articulate my thoughts, or when people don't understand what I'm thinking/feeling. Sometimes I wonder if people find me overly-intense or strange because of it.

5. I am easily stressed when the decisions I have to make involve the lives of other people (back to dating). In a lot of ways, it paralyzes me. I'm not very good at just going with the flow and letting things work themselves out.

6. I often wish I was thinner.

As mentioned in Bob's post, this isn't about complaining or saying how hard life is, because in truth, I'm quite blessed and I feel very grateful for the chance I have to be at BYU, to be the second child of seven kids, to be a roommate to three incredible girls, to be a student in the advertising program....and the list goes on! This also isn't about fishing for compliments. I'm really very happy with the lot I've been given in this life, and I know that things just keep getting better and better.

I just really want to be real. And I want you to know (in case I haven't emphasized it enough) that I have insecurities, too. And it's Okay!

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the concept of personal security. The term was first introduced to me in my marriage prep class over the summer. In short, personal security is our sense of self-worth, and in order to feel peaceful about who we are and where we're going, we need to ground our personal security on foundations of truth.

And that is my goal for this week. I will battle the perfection disease by focusing on the true and correct foundations of personal security while also being as real and honest as I  can be.

Wish me luck in my pursuit.

Insights from My Trip

As you all know, I left for New York with very specific questions that I wanted to answer. Let's review:

1. Is this something I really want? If so, do I want it for the right reasons?
2. What are my feelings as I attend different conferences, seminars, and agency visits?
3. What is the one thing my heart years for as I walk block to block, surrounded by thousands of people? Will it crave for more of what I'm submerged in (skyscrapers, bustling business people in business suits, hot dog stands on streets corners, taxi cabs, etc)? Or will it ache for familiarity, wide open spaces, and home?

I am happy to report that I did indeed receive answers in some form or other to all my questions. 

But I'll post more about that later. For now, I just want to allow myself the privilege of thought streaming and personal reflection. 

I learned a lot this week. And I want to make sure I record the plethora of lessons and insights gained from my trip to New York City. I was blessed with a lot of challenges and opportunities I didn't expect. But I'm grateful that this trip was able to open my heart and mind in many more ways than I could have imagined. Below are some of my feelings and thoughts from the trip: 

1. 

The companionship of the Spirit can bless us with peace of mind and feelings of security. 

While visiting New York City, I chose to stay in an all-girls hostel so that I could save money (that's ho[s]tel, not hotel mind you [and I did save bank]). I'd stayed in hostels before, so this didn't seem like such a crazy idea. And in truth, it wasn't. However, that didn't trump the how scared and unsafe I felt when I first arrived at my humble abode and realized I was in Harlem. Suddenly my perfect bubble that had been beautifully crafted from a life lived well in Mesa, AZ and Provo, UT suddenly felt deflated and vulnerable. I was put in a room with 10 other girls, 3 of which were my friends in the AdLab. But even with familiar faces nearby, I still felt very unsafe in my new environment. I was over-worried that my luggage would get stolen, or that I might get kidnapped, etc. 

So I text my parents.

Me: "So, I guess my hostel is in Harlem, New York. There is trash everywhere and I think I might have just seen a cross-dresser walk out of the bathroom. I suppose I should have known that an all-girls hostel in New York didn't mean that you had to originally be a girl. Yay for surprises!" 

My parents responded. 

Mom: "Scary about being in Harlem. Let me know if I should look for a decent hotel room for you." 

Dad: "Love your neighbor takes on a whole new meaning. I have had that experience in business a couple times" 

Me: "Dad, just when I thought I was pretty good at accepting others, I feel like it's a totally different situation out here. I feel very scared and worried. How can I get over my feelings of fear and insecurity? 

Dad: "Down deep we are all kindred spirits (Anne of Green Gables) just trying to find happiness. Outward appearances can be very misleading [. . . feeling safe is] easier for men. Stay in groups. Be extra careful at night. Say your prayers and trust in the Lord. Listen to the Spirit and enjoy your trip. There is much to be learned from this experience." 

I was grateful for my parents' thoughts. After contemplating my situation, I chose to stay at the hostel, and in doing so, followed my father's counsel precisely. As the week progressed, I could sense myself feeling more and more confidant in the fact that I was being protected. I didn't ever feel completely and totally 100% fearless, but I was blessed with a sufficient amount of peace to go throughout my trip feeling calm and relatively secure. Being cautious, aware, and smart were still necessary requirements from me, but by the last day, I realized that I did not need to be afraid. 

 2.

Don't judge others based on outward appearance.

The hostel in which I stayed served a large international crowd of women. My room in particular had two girls from Lithuania, three from Kazakistan, and one from Africa. Being an ignorant, overly-concerned American, I automatically closed myself off and kept close to my corner of the room. My assumptions, judgments, and fears led me to believe that if I befriended these girls then something bad would, like my suitcase would be gone the next morning, or something like that (I know, ridiculous, right??). But on Tuesday morning (my second day in the city) I felt prompted to say hello to one of the girls. I didn't know why. And I even argued with myself for a minute saying, "I'm never going to see these girls again. Why should I even bother?" (I know, I know. . . I'm a terrible person). 

As I sat and debated in my mind the pros and cons of saying hello or just keeping to myself, a new voice entered the argument. It was logical and clear. And it repeated President Monson's counsel from the Fall 2010 RS broadcast:

"Mother Teresa, a Catholic nun who worked among the poor in India most of her life, spoke this profound truth: “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” The Savior has admonished, “This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.” I ask: can we love one another, as the Savior has commanded, if we judge each other? And I answer—with Mother Teresa: no, we cannot."

 After hearing this quote again in my mind, I began to feel foolish for even questioning the thought of giving a kind greeting to the other lovely girls in my room. I then thought to myself, "I want to be the kind of person who helps others feel loved and welcomed. I don't want to be judgmental, harsh, and un-Christian." 

So, I did it. I approached one of the girls at the far end of the room (by this point, most of our hostel-mates had left for the showers/breakfast/etc.). She looked just about the same age as me, but was much taller. She seemed to be packing, as I noticed that all her things were strewn across her bed. With a timid smile, I spoke up and said, "Hi! I don't know you. What is your name?" When she turned around, I saw something that very much surprised me, and even pulled a few heart strings: a genuine, kind smile. 

"Oh, hello!" she replied enthusiastically. "Yes, yes, my name is _______." (unfortunately, neither my long term not short term memory are good at internalizing foreign names. Yes, I'm working on that!).

I then proceeded to ask her where she was from and how long she had been in the United States. 

She replied, "I am from Lithuania. I have been here all summer on a work-exchange program from my country. It has been so fun. And I love being in this country." 

She then proceeded to tell me of her hot summer days working in an amusement park at Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. She told me of how much she loved being able to earn money that she could save and take home with her. She talked a lot about how the humidity of and heat of the eastern United States had surprised her, but overall she had thoroughly enjoyed her stay. 

"I don't want to go home" she explained longingly. "It has been so fun to be in the United States. I don't feel ready to go back to school or to regular life in Lithuaina. This is a very good place. I like New York." 

Her answers were enthusiastic, and her smile continued to be welcoming and kind. She asked about my interests, schooling, and reasons for being in New York. She continued to help me feel more calm and comfortable as I briefly told her about my life as a BYU student.  My new friend's thoughts about living in the United States immediately shot pulses of gratitude through my system. I easily forget how much bounty we have as Americans. People from most other countries do not have the luxury of being rewarded for their hard work and sacrifice. But most importantly, I felt grateful for the opportunity to meet this incredible girl who isn't so different from me: she has dreams, ambitions, hopes, fears, desires, and more. 

Sadly, my new friend left the hostel that day for Lithuania. Although our communication was brief, I will never forget the important lesson I re-learned: 

"In a hundred small ways, all of you wear the mantle of charity. Life is perfect for none of us. Rather than being judgmental and critical of each other, may we have the pure love of Christ for our fellow travelers in this journey through life. May we recognize that each one is doing her best to deal with the challenges which come her way, and may we strive to do our best to help out." 

I doubt I was any help to her. But boy, was she a help to me. I hope that in the future, I will be slow to judge others based on first impression or outward appearance. Being charitable is not easy; it's hard to let go of natural/innate presumptions that have been socialized into our system. But I can promise you that taking an interest in the lives of those around you, especially those you are afraid of or don't know will lead to gratitude, joy and happiness.

More insights coming very soon!

Friday Affirmation

Today, I feel like I can do 

ANYTHING

I can be the best version of 

MYSELF

I can succeed at anything I

CHOOSE

I can challenge my fears with

COURAGE

I can choose to be 

HAPPY

10 Freshman, 1 Co-counselor, 2.5 Days= Life-changing Experience

Inspiration comes in all shapes, sizes, and faces (literally...)

When I started my FOL experience as a counselor, I thought I would be the one to help and enlighten these in-coming freshman. I completely underestimated the fact that these 10 incredible people would actually inspire me...

...to be a better student, friend, church member, and person.

Throughout our two and a half days together, we (Co-counselor + me + new freshman friends) talked a lot about the upcoming year. We answered a lot of questions, told a lot of funny stories (my first kiss for example. If you haven't heard it, just ask one my new friends. They'd be more than happy to share), and shared a lot of insights about what it means to be leader and how we -- as BYU students today -- can lead now. 

In truth, being a good counselor was much harder than I predicted. I struggled to keep my heart and mind open, even though I desired more than anything to be the best mentor I could be to all of my new friends.  Little did I know that my new friends would be just the spark of hope I needed to pull myself out of my negativity and bring out the very best version of me.

My experience as an FOL counselor has taught me several insights.

1, all people are incredible and everyone has a story to tell. ERGO: seek to understand before being understood.

2, we are never alone; therefore, if I do my very best to prepare and perform, then God will make up for my idiosyncrasies.

3, a good leader is someone who inspires others to be Christlike. And, a good leader is someone who helps others see their full potential and helps them strive to become that person.

4,  other people have talents and strengths, too. And these talents are usually different from yours. So embrace others' uniqueness and see it as a building block, not a threat.

5, Eighteen year olds are incredible! They have so much hope for the future. So many insights. So much zest for life. Oh...how they make me smile. LISTEN to them. They have a lot to say, and you'd be surprised at how much they really do understand. I don't think they even realize how strong they actually are.

6, fear is totally the opposite of faith. Challenge your fears, always. And remember, you don't have to fight your daily battles alone.

7, True happiness comes when you follow your heart. When you are doing the right things, you will know what your heart truly desires. And when we really listen, and act on our righteous desires, then true happiness illuminates our soul.

I believe more than ever that God has a distinct plan for each of us. And in order to fulfill that plan, he blessed all his children with personality, spiritual gifts, talents, and unique character building experiences. All of which come together to form one incredible person who has the potential to be a great leader (remember, we defined a leader as someone who inspires others to come unto Christ).

I'm grateful for my new friends. I can't wait to see them succeed, and they surely will. Thank you, team Lightning, for your openness, your kindness, your enthusiasm, your awesome dance moves, your ambition, your beautiful dreams, your laughter, your personalities, your desire for unity, your humor, your teamwork, and your example of good leadership.

_______________________

FOL was the exact experience I needed to finish preparing (emotionally) for Fall semester. I actually had to laugh at myself because for the past few weeks, I was completely vulnerable and scared out of my mind whenever I thought about the "BIG" move (BIG move=two blocks south). To me it feels like a big deal because I'm changing wards, sleeping in a new house, and starting my last semester at BYU. But let us consider a freshman's circumstance: moving across the country to start college for the first time in a completely new environment with 6,000 other 18 year olds who don't know what they're doing. I suddenly feel like my transition isn't much of a change at all. I'm grateful for the opportunity I had to shift my perspective and realize that fears really do cloud our paradigm.

On the last day of FOL, we did an exercise that challenged our fears -- to the MAX.

I believe I have done just that. 

SO...Fall semester (plus the plethora of learning experiences you entail...) HERE I COME!