How can we know if we're "ready" for marriage? This question has boggled me for a long time, and my desire to find the answer only increased after taking Dr. Carroll's marriage prep class at BYU last Spring Term. From emotional maturity to communication skills, there are obviously a lot of factors to consider when analyzing one's "readiness." In this particular post I want to address the concept of personal security.
Personal security is, in part, defined as self-esteem. With this in mind, do you believe it is a good thing to have self-esteem? My automatic response is to say, “Yes, of course it is a good thing to feel good about yourself.” But after further consideration, I realized that answering this question requires a more thorough analysis.
In one particular lecture my professor Dr. Carroll said, “developing an abiding sense of personal security is an important aspect of marriage readiness. However, a sense of personal security that is based on false notions of self-worth will harm our relationships, rather than strengthen them.” This issue of basing our personal security on false notions of self-worth is what I would like to address. In this post I will summarize two scholarly articles and two LDS General Conference talks in effort of explaining the connections between self-esteem and marriage; and why it is important for LDS (and all) people working toward an eternal marriage to base their self-esteem on correct gospel principles.
Scholastic Perspective
The two articles I chose to focus on for this post come from psychological journals, both of which discuss specific connections between self-esteem and marriage. The first article I would like to summarize was published in the Society for Personality and Social Psychology Journal and is titled For Better or Worse? Self Esteem and the Contingencies of Acceptance in Marriage. In this study, 154 couples involved in marital or cohabitating relationships participated in a 21-day study on “Daily Experiences in Marriage.” These couples were asked to keep a daily journal of their life’s events (work, school, etc), their martial satisfaction, and also their self-esteem (self-esteem was measured using different psychological rating systems).
From the data, researchers discovered that there was a significant difference between respondents with low and high self-esteems and how each rated their marital satisfaction based on what happened during the day. For example, respondents with a low self-esteem demonstrated that unsuccessful days at work made them feel contempt toward their spouse and depressed about their marriage. Many low self-esteem respondents felt they deserved rejection from their spouse when they did not complete tasks as well as planned. Those with high self-esteems did not sense an alteration in how their spouse/significant other viewed them. In fact, those with high self-esteems felt that their spouse was even more supportive when life’s events (like work) did not go according to plan.
One of the key concepts to pull from the For Better or Worse article is the proposition that people with low self-esteems only find satisfaction in their interpersonal relationships when they feel valued by their significant other; and the only way those with low self-esteems feel valued is when he/she does something successfully. Should someone with a low self-esteem feel that he/she has failed at a task, then he/she feels worthy of rejection from his/her spouse, thus leading to feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction in marriage. The authors of the article state this concept more clearly:
“Low self-esteem people […] find themselves in a particularly unfortunate circumstance in romantic relationships. Because they generally feel less valued by relationship partners (Leary & Baumeister, 2000), they are in particular need of the sense of belonging that a romantic partner can provide. However, people with low self-esteem are especially likely to regulate their dependence on a romantic partner in a self-protective way, only allowing themselves to feel connected to a specific romantic partner when they are confident that partner accepts and values them.”
The article concludes that those with a "low" self-esteem believe they can only be loved when they are exhibiting their “better” half, and never loved beyond their inevitable “worse” side. It appears that the connection between self-esteem and marriage, according to this article, is that how people view themselves largely affects how appreciated they feel by their spouse. In other words, their happiness and sense of self worth is dependent upon how appreciated they feel by their spouse from day to day. This is problematic because low self-esteem individuals cannot see themselves through a constant, eternal lens. If they've done poorly at work or some other assignment, they will automatically assume their spouse appreciates them less that day. The cycle of basing one's worth off of personal performance in materialistic matters certainly damages a relationship. We cannot let ourselves believe our worth can increase or decrease depending on what we do or do not accomplish, particularly in the work force.
The second article I chose to include was published in the Journal of Social Psychology and is titled Self-esteem Agreement in Marital Relationship. With the use of the circular-causal model of relationship development, this study examined the convergence of the self-esteem of marriage partners over four marital life stages. These life stages range from the first years of marriage up until the very last years. Life stage analysis was selected because it represents the adjustments that partners make to each other as they experience major role transitions and variations in needs, behavior, privileges, and responsibilities.
The key finding from this study is to explain that as couples learn to communicate more intimately through disclosure and personal communication, they gradually feel more valued, and therefore have an increase in self-esteem. This reevaluation of self-esteem happens because both husband and wife begin to feel more valued as trust develops in the relationship. In the words of the researchers:
“In this study, it appeared that the influence and contamination that grow out of intimate communication resulted in a reworking of how people viewed themselves and of how they evaluated their spouses. Subjects' views of themselves and their spouses were altered and recast as the marital relationship developed from a state of mutual contamination of perceptions to the construction of a couple's shared reality (Kreckel, 1982).”
In this study it is evident that self-esteem and marriage are connected through interpersonal communication. The more trust established in a relationship, the more valued each person in the relationship feels, thus leading to more emotionally stable views of self. It is interesting to note that in this study, self-esteem (like the other article’s conclusion) comes from another person—another flawed person rather than a divine being who has experienced all courses of life and developed perfect empathy for any struggle.
LDS Perspective
When reading about the LDS perspective on self-esteem, I did not see any articles that based self-esteem on principles of materialism, haughtiness, or people. Instead, modern-day prophets define self-esteem as a knowledge of one’s divine heritage, worth, and destiny. The greatest source for belonging and sincere love, according to LDS theology, is Jesus Christ.
The first LDS talk I would like to summarize was given as a devotional by James E. Faust and is titled, The Value of Self-Esteem. In his talk, Elder Faust discusses six principles to help Latter-day Saints develop a righteous, stable self-esteem. These principles include: keeping your agency, humility, honesty, loving your work, ability to love, and the love of God. Notice how all of Elder Faust’s suggestions mimic characteristics identified in the Savior. Is there anyone more humble and honest than Christ? Was there any other person who loved their ministry more than the Savior?
Throughout his talk, Elder Faust comments on the requirement for people to rely on the Savior Jesus Christ to develop the aforementioned attributes. Elder Faust states:
“There are many whose self-esteem has been so devastated by the loss of loved ones, by divorce, or by other personal misfortunes. Some carry an extra burden of guilt from grievous sins […] Fortunately, we have the great principle of repentance whereby sins that are ‘as scarlet’ can become ‘white as snow’ (Isaiah 1:18).”
Elder Faust’s suggestion of repentance implies that men and women can feel good about themselves by relying on the Savior's redeeming power. It is in the Savior that we find the greatest value for our worth. At the conclusion of his talk, Elder Faust encourages each member in the audience to “never forget that all of us, male and female, were created in the image of God and created by God.” Surely if every Latter-day Saint were to remember his/her divine heritage, then each would realize that in being a literal, spiritual descendant of God, he/she can be blessed with the power of the atonement to fulfill all righteous desires.
The second LDS talk I chose to include is a devotional given by Neal A. Maxwell in 1974 called But for a Small Moment. I chose this talk because of the concept brought up in Elder Faust’s talk (of which I discussed earlier). It was the idea that those suffering from a low self-esteem feel they are not worth being loved or appreciated, and therefore choose to participate in promiscuous behavior, which results in unhappiness and despair. Elder Maxwell discusses in great detail the importance of relying on the one true God, the omnipotent being who can save us from our woes.
Throughout his talk, Elder Maxwell emphasizes the absolute necessity to rely on God during periods of self-doubt. Elder Maxwell states, “We […] at times may wonder if we have been forgotten and forsaken. Hopefully, we will do as the Master did and acknowledge that God is still there and never doubt that sublime reality.”
Now, you may be wondering why I have chosen a talk that addresses trials rather than self-esteem specifically. My rationale is that suffering with a low self-esteem is indeed a trial. Attempting to develop a righteous self-esteem is an agonizing period wherein men and women must overcome their natural man, realize their nothingness, and then turn to Jesus Christ to fill the mortal holes that were inevitably pricked by the fall, and oftentimes by personal choice.
At the end of his talk, Elder Maxwell discusses the problem with the world and how people have attempted to remove the fundamental principles of good society. These principles include chastity, work, and family. He explains that one cannot remove his/her foundation without collapsing spiritually, much like “you can’t remove the foundation of a building while standing inside and not being hit with falling plaster” (But for a Small Moment). Elder Maxwell then pleads for his audience to make Christ the anchor of their lives, to not drift away from the truth.
My Perspective
Now that I have discussed both the scholastic and LDS perspectives, I want to consider how all this information explains the relationship between marriage and self-esteem/ Before I share my own thoughts and feelings, I would first like to compare the principles discussed in the scholarly and LDS perspectives.
In the scholarly articles, I summarized that self-esteem in a marriage depends upon how valuable the man or woman feels in the relationship. According to the articles, this feeling of value is often determined either by how a person feels viewed by his/her spouse or through trust developed through interpersonal communication. Nowhere in the scholarly articles did it discuss the crucial requirement of basing self-esteem or feelings of value on a divine being. It is true that having a trust in an interpersonal relationship can help people develop security in relationships; but after studying LDS theology, we learn the greatest source for good self-esteem is the Savior Jesus Christ. In relying on the Savior, we realize that Christ’s love for each of us is unconditional and unchanging. If our self-esteem revolves around Christ, then gradually we learn to shed the opinions of those around us, even the opinions of a spouse. Because ultimately, we realize that our worth cannot increase or decrease depending on our actions. God and Christ love us no matter what. Christ loved us so much, and valued us enough, to give up His own life so that we might obtain the greatest state of happiness. A spouse, as loving as he/she can be, can never offer that much assurance (even though our spouse most often would love to be able to develop and share that level of charity within this lifetime).
When considering all the above-mentioned research and how it applies to my current situation, (which happens to the preparing and finding stages of marriage readiness) I realize just how important it is for me to base my self-esteem upon the Savior. One of my personal struggles is relying heavily upon the praises of men. Being an ambitious, end-result type of personality, I often find bouts of joy after completing a task and receiving compliments for doing so. This leads to problems discussed in the first article, For Better or Worse. These problems include believing that my worth fluctuates according to the tasks I complete and how well I complete them. Just as the article suggested, interpersonal relationships are difficult to enjoy because so often people like me feel unworthy of appreciation when we have not yet performed well during a given day’s tasks. And by well I’m referring to the ridiculous expectations established by the individual struggling to develop self-esteem.
In pondering self-esteem, we must first consider what exactly is causing you or I to feel good about ourselves. Understanding the foundation of self-esteem matters because the base makes a significant difference in how we actually feel about ourselves—particularly in interpersonal relationships like marriage. For example, do you or I feel good about ourselves because of this week’s paycheck? Or the number of compliments we received from our co-workers during lunch break? Perhaps it is our distinct jawbone and chiseled biceps that propel our positive perspective on life. No matter the discrepancies of our self-esteem foundation, they all lead to the same problem: if our self-esteem is based upon incorrect principles, then we will always feel emotionally sea sick as our worth fluctuates up and down depending on inconsistent, external stimuli. In another sense, if our self-esteem is not based upon correct principles, then it is almost as if we really do not have any self-esteem at all.
This relationship of low self-esteem and marriage has stimulated some new thoughts. I imagine what it would be like if I really did believe, all the time, that my worth is inherent, unchangeable—no matter what. What if I was able to always believe that God wants you and I to be successful in this life, that He wants us to be obedient so that he can bless us, especially in marriage? I am reminded of a talk by Elder Holland titled “Lessons Learned at Liberty Jail.” In it, Elder Holland says that people can have personal spiritual experiences in any environment. The key is to remember our Savior, and turn to Him for strength and power. When we feel like there is little left to fight for, or miniscule hope in becoming a better person, Elder Holland encourages us to remember that “[God and Jesus Christ] have planned, prepared and guaranteed [our] victory, if we desire it. So be believing, and endure [your trials] well.”
How we perceive ourselves now is the same lens in which we will see ourselves in marriage. And we will most often use that same lens to view our spouse. If we struggle with materialism today, then we will continue to struggle with feeling good about ourselves and our spouse despite our possessions, tomorrow. This is why it is crucial for you and I to develop a righteous self-esteem now. There will be times in marriage when our spouse will not be capable of offering tailored empathy or support in certain crises. This will not necessarily be the fault of our spouse, but the fact of the matter is simple: Jesus Christ is the only one who can truly understand the stress and pains of this mortal state, the only one who can give us charity even after all our weaknesses. If we desire to return to God and enjoy eternal marriage, we must recognize the happiness associated with a self-esteem based upon Jesus Christ. In Him, we realize that self-worth is unchanging and that “every individual is endowed with infinite worth that cannot be enhanced or diminished by any action or behavior” (Dr. Carroll lecture). I plan to take Dr. Carroll’s advice and remove the counterfeit sources of self-esteem from my life so that when the day of marriage comes, I am more prepared to serve and to receive love from my future spouse. Eternal marriage is the goal, and a righteous self-esteem is the first step toward getting there.
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Works Cited
Carroll, Jason S. “Personal Security: Personal Maturity, Part 1.” PowerPoint presentation.
Brigham Young University, Provo, UT. 11 May 2010.
Faust, James E. “The Value of Self-Esteem.” LDS.org. 6 May 2007. web. 24 May 2010.
Holland, Jeffery R. “Lessons Learned at Liberty Jail.” BYU Speeches. 7 September 2008. web.
25 May 2010.
Maxwell, Neal A. “But for a Small Moment.” BYU Speeches. 1 September 1974. web. 25 May
2010.
Murray, Sandra L., Griffin, Dale W., Rose, Paul, & Bellavia, Gina. (2006). For Better or Worse?
Self-Esteem and the Contingencies of Acceptance in Marriage. Personality and Social
Psychology Bulletin, 32, 866-880. doi: 10.1177/0146167206286756
Schafer, Robert B. & Keith, Pat M. (1992). Self-Esteem Agreement in the Marital Relationship.
The Journal of Social Psychology, 132, 5-9.
