Like a Donkey In a Well

The following post is an expression of my current emotional state. Viewer discretion is advised. 

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

Why can't I just make a decision and move on with it?! And no! I am not referring to my previous post about graduation. I can't sit still. I can't calm down. I don't know what I want! I feel like I don't have anymore goals or ambitions. I feel like I can't hear anything useful. It's like the rug has been pulled out from beneath me. What is the deal? 

I wish I knew how to turn my brain off. I'm tired of analyzing. I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of processing. I'm tired of assuming. I'm tired of guessing. I'm tired of predicting. I'm tired of being confused. I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of stressing. I'm tired of being tired! 

I've always wanted to be the type of person who knows exactly what she wants: no games, no guessing, no moseying around. And now I find myself frantically searching for any type of sign, hope or spark. I've fallen into the well and there is no farmer to help shovel me out. Where can I go from here? 

Light

There is an old tale of a donkey that got itself stuck at the bottom of the well. Obviously it couldn't climb up, so it had to wait until someone noticed. Luckily, it's master, a local farmer, found the donkey and new exactly what to do: take his shovel and gradually dump one shovel-full of dirt on the donkey--the donkey would then shake the dirt off with each dropping, and would take one small step higher until the cycle was repeated enough times to free the donkey from its predicament. 

I am the donkey, and I am at the bottom of a well. I can't climb out by myself. I need the farmer to shovel down one insight at time so that I can eventually be freed from my current state of....craziness. I wish the dirt could be dumped all at once--but the farmer knows that doing so would only burry me, which would not fix the problem at all. That is why I can only step up one insight at a time. 

I don't know very much. But I do know some things. I will not list them all--only the most relevant: 

1. I am going to finish this semester strong--I will not taper off at the end. 

2. I will serve in my ward to the very best of my abilities. I will be a loyal council co-chair and I will care about the well-being of my friends/ward members. 

3. I will continue to maintain the absolutely necessary daily habits. 

4. I care very much about doing the right thing. 

5. Heavenly Father wants me to be happy.

Alright...that's all I got for this vent session. DAHHHH! (anyone wanna pass some cheese and crackers with my whine????)

Where is that talk on gratitude........?