I can't sleep when I feel anxious. You know those nights when you're really tired, so tired in fact you feel you could sleep for days--but as soon as your head hits the pillow your thoughts immediately speed up to one million, gajillian miles per hour? Do you know what I'm talking about? Well, that's what's going on in my head right now. My thoughts are acting as if I've suppressed them all day long. And perhaps I have. But I wasn't doing it on purpose! I just had a whole platter of other things to think about. Like finals, internship hours, group projects (that aren't going at all as planned!!!), research papers, summer term plans, client presentations, etc. I didn't have time to ponder all the other topics currently jumping light years in my head.
Why is it that when we need sleep the most, our minds want to steal that slumber time for thinking and analyzing? Why can't I just give it a rest and enjoy the sweet feeling of fresh clean cotton sheets on my cheek?
I suppose I know the answer to my own dilemma. And that answer has something to do with concepts of balance and personal enjoyment time. I accomplished neither of those today. I didn't eat any balanced meals, I didn't balance any of my time, and I certainly didn't balance my thoughts. I also didn't make any enjoyment time for myself. All today consisted of was work, work, work--class (which was actually quite insightful)--and some more work. When did I become such a workaholic? Believe you me, I take no pride or praise in being labeled as one who spends all hours of the day at the office. (OK, I just lied. Obviously I wouldn't spend so much time at work if I didn't find some sort of satisfaction in what I do. Also, I'd be in denial if I really believed that I've shed all parts of the natural man; meaning, of course I like being recognized and "praised" for my time in advertising. But that's a whole different discussion. Maybe when I'm humble enough I'll write about my pride problems. Maybe).
I think what irks me the most about today is the fact that while I've claimed to be so unaware of myself, in reality, all I'm thinking about IS myself. Along with no enjoyment time, I also didn't make any time to serve the people around me. Basically, I did it again. I got all caught up in my own thing and neglected to recognize the needs of neighbors, friends, family, co-workers, etc.
Obviously, I'm stressed. And I need to be careful about my judgement calls. Because as of right now, they won't be anything but harsh. It would probably even be wise to just take a step back from the screen, unplug for a while, and move forward from there. But I'm still an adolescent, which means I get to be self-centered and immature. And something about being able to vent to the cyber world brings me a sliver of solace.
I recently learned that writing is often the best way to relieve a wandering mind. When you're venting, you never quite know where the words will take you. You simply just let go and let your fingers fall where they may on the keyboard. Words will form into sentences, sentences into paragraphs, etc. Sometimes what I write makes sense: it's clear, to the point, and objective. Other times, it's ambiguous or vague, dramatic and emotional--not at all a good source for truth and enlightenment. It's nights like these when I write the latter.
But let us assume, for a moment, that I have control of my thoughts. Let us also assume that if I have control of my thoughts, then I must also have the ability to direct negative thoughts into positive perspective. For example, in earlier paragraphs I have described my apparently "awful" day. I wrote of all the things I didn't do, and of how the things I did do felt unproductive and dissatisfying. Again, assuming that I still have control of my thoughts, what if instead I look at today--and the choices I made--as a "learning experience." Obviously I did not prioritize my time the way it ought to have been prioritized. Nor did I step outside of my own problems to see the needs of others. Rather than dwell on what I so clearly failed to accomplish, I need to instead correct my errors my deciding, now, what I will do differently in the future when I am cramped for time and stressed about school and work. Will I burry myself under the workload, or will I reach out, look for the proper perspective, and move forward with hope for improvement?
OK. Enough with the philosophical talk. My point is, today was not my best emotionally balanced day. Don't misunderstand, it wasn't one of those days when you cry and cry and cry and cry. Trust me, I would have much rather cried than let guilt and irritation boil in my gut like it did this evening. I just simply didn't allow myself the time I needed to release some thoughts and feelings, nor did I internally decide to take on the challenges of the day. Instead, I woke up early, got ready for work, headed to meetings and proceeded to go to meeting after meeting after meeting without so much as referencing my inherent need to unplug and chill for 20 minutes.
May today be a lesson to mua that peace is something we must labor for; it does not come to those who are easily distracted by temporary stimuli. May I remember to be anxiously engaged in doing the incremental actions that make me worthy to receive a peace of mind and a peace of heart. For in receiving this peace, I will not have to suffer the awful (there's that word again) aftermath of a sleepless night.
Personal Application:
What are 20-minute activities I can do to unplug, release, and get myself in a state of mind & heart where I can properly prioritize life's demands? (These activities must be separate from the other basic necessities that should be happening daily, like scripture study, sleep, or exercise. These activities are designed to be simple snippets of pure, personal enjoyment)
1. Go for a walk while listening to a conference talk or devotional
2. Read a fictional book
3. Listen to classical music
4. Lay in the grass
5. Clean and organize parts of the apartment
6. Write
7. Play the piano or violin
8. Cook a full, healthy meal
Because I matter, and because I'm learning to better care for myself, I'm going to try this weekend (3 days), to make sure I spend at least 20 minutes every day doing something by myself, simply to seek enjoyment, fulfillment, and peace.
And guess what. YOU matter, too. So give yourself some enjoyment time. It helps. I swear!
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