Am I reading between the lines?

*please forgive typos. This was more of a thought dumping session than anything. I wish it was better written, but I lack the energy to edit at this time. Without further ado....

Today I received an email that meant a lot to me. It went something like this:


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Like most humans, I need appreciate affirmation. I like to know you're impressed with my work, pleased with my efforts, satisfied with my over-zealous tendencies, and attracted to my compulsive need to make you feel how incredible you are. I place the same type of expectations on God. After I've made a decision, I want to know He approves. When I serve, I want to feel his sealing support. When I've struggled with temptation and chosen the higher road, I beg for his affirmation. But to my foolish dismay, God's timing of validation or the way in which it comes varies; in plain words, it's often not displayed in the way I expect it to be. For example, when I chose to transfer to BYU, I expected the heavens to pour down peace and joy by the bucket loads. However, No such downpour was granted. Instead I suffered seven months of agonizing anxiety and fear of the future. It wasn't until two or three weeks after I'd moved to Utah that a sliver of unmistakable approval pierced me to the core. Had I not experienced so much terror, I would have never recognized the Spirit's delicate tactics. When I chose to spend my last semester of college in Jerusalem, I didn't expect a shower of joy and peace, but I did expect some form God's recognition before I boarded the cramped 747 to a country currently in civil war. For almost the entire semester I spent much of my time wondering, pondering, questioning, even doubting I had made a good decision. I feared I had wasted my last semester, done something horrible in choosing to study abroad. It wasn't until the second to last night at the closing program (which I was responsible for planning) that my little heart was burst open and flooded with an all-consuming, swelling type of love I'd never experienced. To this day I have never loved so many people at such an intense level all at once. In that moment I knew God had blessed me in my choice; and I was suddenly able to realize just how many blessings the Lord had showered upon me that semester. I remembered all the tender talks with roommates, the hometeaching lessons, the hugs, the tears, the food, everything. It had all been a gift and I just hadn't seen it that way. I thank God often for opening my eyes before I left that sacred place.

I shouldn't be surprised that the Lord has continued to use this pattern with me--especially in the past year as I have attempted to start my career, date seriously and just be a good person. When I returned home from Jerusalem, I had no plans. No job offers, no trips, no goals. Nothing. I was like a blank piece of paper with a college degree and ten extra pounds of traveling weight. At that time, I expected God to reveal the next steps in my life. I assumed new goals would start popping up like daises. I believed that if I did my best to be productive (like search for jobs, go to church, invest in my ward and serve my family) the Lord would do the rest. I prayed fervently to the Lord, asking him to help me figure out the next steps in my life. What I didn't realize was that the Lord would indeed answer my prayer. Boy would he answer it. I just never considered the fact that he'd require me to really work for such revelation. In the past year I have had three different jobs; served in four singles wards; had eight visiting teachees; consulted with more students than I can count; had more lonely, angry, bitter nights than I'd like to admit; cried more tears than I thought I could shed; and have been stretched much further than I ever wanted to be stretched. I've struggled immensely to feel His love, His approval and His awareness of me. As I moved from one temporary circumstance to the other, I wondered why God wasn't giving me any strong impulses or direction. I felt much like a pinball being pelted from one side of the board to the next with no real purpose. For a long time I felt what seemed like absence. Prayers seemed unanswered, concerns seemed pushed to the wayside and tender feelings of abandonment felt mocked. It was like the Heavens had closed. 'What have I done to deserve this?' is a thought that's often been spewed out at those I vent to when I'm feeling lowest. 

But in those low moments, I am reminded that the Lord is indeed aware of me, that He loves me and that trials are not always lifted just because we ask them to be. In those moments I am humble enough to recommit myself to God and to live my life His way: in loving compliance to His commandments, in gratitude for the blessings He has given me and continues to give me each and every day, in meekness--willing to learn whatever He would have me learn during this phase of my probation. Such a mindset is more than difficult to maintain. Too often my ego makes a vicious comeback, accusing God of injustice. I've even had the nerve in some instances to hold a grudge against my Father. This was foolish, of course, because it only opened the door for more humbling experiences--which the Lord certainly did deliver. One such instance occurred when I was three months into my internship. All my fellow interns were hired, excluding me. I was given absolutely no guarantee of job placement and was only told that I could continue working as an intern for the next month. I was unfairly accused of serious mistakes and chastised for ignorant blunders. To me, the whole situation was demeaning. When I expressed my frustration to God, asking Him why He EVER led me to such a ridiculous situation, He told me to think of how the Savior must have felt as He began His ministry. There He was, carrying with Him the power to heal ALL hurts and forgive ALL sin; to relieve people of all their burdens (family troubles, physical ailments, depression, blindness, death, etc.) The Savior had the greatest gift of all, yet so many undervalued Him, refused to hear his message, and took little to no interest in finding out what He had to offer. Even when He displayed miracles right on their doorsteps, they still ignored Him. I don't mean to be arrogant in comparing my trials to the Savior's--but the whole scenario put my situation in a better perspective. I remember feeling a need to pray for meekness and to then thank the Savior for his perfect empathy. I realized in that lonely, frustrating night that Heavenly Father wasn't interested in giving me what I wanted (the perfect job with all the other puzzle pieces of my life [aka dating] fitting nicely together--me beaming with giddiness and assurance about my future); instead He was intensely interested in giving my what I needed. He decided to teach me a very important life lesson. And that was to learn how to live His commandments of faith, love and endurance amidst fear, hurt and injustice. When I was told a second time that my internship was being extended with no promise of employment, my ego didn't react quite as violently. 

Like I've mentioned before, my ego has struggled immensely to understand patience and meekness. For a while I victimized myself, really believing that all my woes were stimulated by external circumstance. But when I finally settled down, I realized that in addition to faith, love and endurance, the Lord also wanted to teach me some truths about myself. For instance, I learned I had a sense of entitlement that absolutley had to go. Coming from the university setting where professors cheer you on left and right, I had a subconsious expectation that my new bosses and colleagues would recognize and capitlize on my potential right away. This, of course, was not the case. I was thrown at the bottom of the totum poll, underappreciated and assigned to the most menial of tasks--boy did that irk me (see previous paragraph about violent ego). My pride and sense of entitlement were uncomfortable truths to swallow. Was it possible that I might actually have some weaknesses admist my clearly bogus circumstance (again, see ego problem)? I also learned I could be a little more mature, professional and consistent in my work--like making sure I logged all my hours corretly instead of rounding, or taking a fair amount of time for lunch breaks, or not surfing social media when I'm board and have completed all my assignments. The realization of such weaknesses represented an important moment of self integrity. After the victimizing and pity parties were over--after I was humbled--the Lord demonstrated to me that there were indeed important self truths to be reconciled with, in addition to the already stated Godly characteristics I've been attempting to develop.


Of course, I am only capable of learning one line of eternal light and truth at a time. I think we can all agree that if the Lord revealed all our weaknesses to us at once, we'd most likely perish. Sometimes I can only accept a few seconds of inspiration or just a few lines of a talk or scripture. Anything more would over stuff me, much like a pot roast on a fast Sunday. But amidst all the emotional fluctuations and lessons learned in my experiences, one question, one remaining insecurity always festers in the back of my mind: is God pleased with my decisions? I have seen how He has used my choices to teach me eternal truths, but at the end of the day, is He pleased with the choices I've made to pursue the opportunities in the first place? Was He pleased with my decision to attend BYU? Was He pleased with my decision to break up with all the guys I've broken up with? Was He pleased with my decision to go to Jerusalem? Was He pleased with my decision to study communications? Was He pleased with my decision to move back to Utah after graduation? Is He pleased with my decision to be an intern in Farmington and to live all on my own in a big house in a tiny town? 

As I've explained, the Lord doesn't run to me and give me instant, incessant affirmation. He isn't a cheerleader and He isn't a teammate. He isn't a boss or a mentor. No. He is a Heavenly Father who knows my eternal potential. Being that, He instead asks me to move forward in faith--validation given or not--trusting that He will bless me with "affirmation" (or peace or approvalm or gentle chastisement) in His time and in His way. 

Lucky for me, the Lord gave me one such blessing tonight when a new friend (unexpectedly) sent the following email: 



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The email touched me, because it addresses so many worries. I can't say whether or not the Lord is pleased with many of my decisions or that He is impressed with my decision making process, but I can certainly bear testimony that the Lord is pleased with every righteous effort. And He communicates that to me by small and simple things--like emails. I was worried sick when I chose to move to northern Utah five months ago. I seriously doubted any good would come of it; but I did my best to act in faith (on most days). The Lord has indeed taken very good care of me--even when I thought He had abandoned me. He sent people to me whom I will never forget and I have felt the cleansing and enabling power of the atonement lift me up and move me toward a deeper commitment to my God. 

Affirmation can go a long way; but true faith requires that we press forward without yet having received God's stamp of approval or actualized blessings or somtimes even a plan. If we are to be true agents who actively use our agency, we must be able to take steps in the dark and trust that good things will happen and are happening, that blessings are abounding, that lives are changing--all in the midst of our struggles. The Lord really does give us miracles, especially when we honestly incline our hearts to Him. 

So, in other words, this whole post is an affirmation in and of itself. Ironically, it's reminded me that even though I struggle to live by faith, I make a lot of stupid mistakes and I constantly fret about my standing with God, He still prepares a way for me to take part in building His kingdom.

_____ 

Talk about reading between the lines. I mean, it was just an email, right?