Worry

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“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

 C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

This morning as she stares out her window she sighs.

The dark, swirling clouds and stormy weather appropriately reflect her exact state of mind.

How ironic, she thought, that the weather gods would be so accomadating on a day like this.

Her exhales are heavy and fail to relieve the tension that quivers on the inside.

It had been several days since they lost spoke.

Why the lack of communication, she can't guess.

She'd gone through all the scenarios a woman could possibly conjur:

work, illness, natural disasters, etc.

None seemed to be the right guess.

You see, for the first time in a long time,

she had finally opened herself up--just enough--

to feel the warmth love showers on vulnerable people.

But with every glimmer of light comes a shadow of fear, a chance for failure

...at least this had been her experience in years past.

She hoped fervently this wasn't the case now,

but somewhere deep inside she felt something,

maybe the truth,

begging to be set free.

It's so difficult to live life this way, she pondered. Always wondering what they're thinking, what they're doing, how they're getting along, whether or not they're happy.

With out any confirmation it is hard to feel confident.

But that's the risk she accepted and the risk she must now see through,

for it would be too damaging to go back on her word.

She had promised herself she'd be strong, persistent even committed.

And she really believed it was the best thing for her to do.  

Why then, did such a difficult choice leave her alone in her bedroom, staring out of  a dirty glass window, hoping beyond hope she had made the "right"decision?