I'm not as good as some people seem to think I am. Whenever people say, "Oh, you're such a good girl. No matter what, only good things will happen to you," I get this sinking feeling in my stomach. It's like I feel a need to correct them. They need to know I'm not what they think I am.
Perhaps you already know this, but I make mistakes. Even big ones. Really big ones. In fact, there are mistakes I'd take back in a heartbeat if I could. I'd give anything to erase some of those big ones...
I wish this weren't the case. I wish I weren't still haunted by my past. I wish I didn't have to wonder "what if." What if I had chosen this road, that road. The higher road. The better road. The right road.
Most days, I dream of being the kind of girl people seem to think I am: headstrong, awesome, golden and good.
I have this fear, though, inside my head that says if people knew me, like everything about me, they wouldn't like me. All they'd see is a shriveled up mound of...of...something detestable.
But then I consider the idea of being super human, and that doesn't sound all that appealing either. Being flawless in this life can't really be all it's cracked up to be. Nobody likes being around perfect people anyway...
But I would still like to be good.
The only way to get there is to recommit to what I know is best. And pray. I pray a lot for mercy and grace these days. I can only hope grace and mercy will pay a visit to my troubled, trembling, vulnerable heart. And soon.
This gospel insight helps a lot in moments like these: Gospel Insight.
Perhaps you already know this, but I make mistakes. Even big ones. Really big ones. In fact, there are mistakes I'd take back in a heartbeat if I could. I'd give anything to erase some of those big ones...
I wish this weren't the case. I wish I weren't still haunted by my past. I wish I didn't have to wonder "what if." What if I had chosen this road, that road. The higher road. The better road. The right road.
Most days, I dream of being the kind of girl people seem to think I am: headstrong, awesome, golden and good.
I have this fear, though, inside my head that says if people knew me, like everything about me, they wouldn't like me. All they'd see is a shriveled up mound of...of...something detestable.
But then I consider the idea of being super human, and that doesn't sound all that appealing either. Being flawless in this life can't really be all it's cracked up to be. Nobody likes being around perfect people anyway...
But I would still like to be good.
The only way to get there is to recommit to what I know is best. And pray. I pray a lot for mercy and grace these days. I can only hope grace and mercy will pay a visit to my troubled, trembling, vulnerable heart. And soon.
This gospel insight helps a lot in moments like these: Gospel Insight.
Katie, you are good. Better than you think you are. Don't be so hard on yourself. I love you!
ReplyDeleteHow's job hunting? Any updates??
I agree with A, you are good. Just like Pres Eyring said to all women in April "My beloved young sisters, you are the bright hope of the Lord’s Church. My purpose tonight is to help you believe that is so." I love that opening to a talk possibly more than any other opening to a talk.
ReplyDeleteBut I know what you mean...sometimes the people we love most are the ones who occasionally miss class, egg a wall at 3 am, know every lady gaga lyric, whose first reaction is to laugh when someone slips in the snow, and who make mistakes everyday. These people aren't the super-humans, but they are still fantastic (and full of character) and I love them.
(I don't think I explained myself well but I hope the idea came across that I know what you mean)
Thanks so much for your comments ladies :-) I love you both so, so much.
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