Not cut out for it

I'm not so sure I'm cut out to be a business woman.

Sure, I can wear the suits, the skirts, the heels the tights. I can walk around with my notebook, phone and business card. But that's only the outside stuff.

As for everything else--I'm toast.

In the past 30 hours I have been talked down to, belittled, manipulated, criticized, ignored and bullied. I've been shaken to my core and feel I've failed at "manning up" to the tasks at hand. It's not because I didn't try. Believe me. I tried. In fact, I did the very best I knew how in the moments all the chaos started. But I guess that's just it: sometimes no matter how hard you try, you're simply just not good enough. Not smart enough. Not aggressive enough. In the business world, you have to know how to play the game, and you have to want to play to win. It's not for the faint hearted or the ridiculous people pleasers. You have to like to say what you think, and you have to like to throw it in people's faces*. If you can't fight, then you might as well back down. Otherwise you'll be eaten alive by men who have been dipped and fried in pin striped suits and leather loafers.

I don't like admitting I cried today (not in front of my client of course. In front of my client I was quite composed and professional). Because after all, successful business women don't cry. Successful business women don't take hour and a half reprimands personally. Successful business women don't melt in the heat of controversy. Alas, after the crazy series of events I didn't know what else to do but to step outside for some nice long, deep breaths. The little girl inside me let the hot tears of frustration roll down my cheeks. With each breath I took I thought of a different emotion associated with it: inadequacy, foolishness, embarrassment and feeling flustered from all the other sources of stress in my life. I tried to cover up my minor breakdown, but was unsuccessful. I started getting upset, talking to myself about how I should have been smarter, harder, more aggressive, more tough. Less people pleasing. I should have analyzed the situation more quickly, more strategically. But instead, me and my youthful, inexperienced self walked head first into the lions den and came out tattered and torn to pieces. Ok, not completely to pieces, but still pretty mangled.

I'm disappointed in myself for a job not-so-well done. Yet I'm annoyed I was thrown the mop to clean up a mess I didn't make. However, that's just one of the perks of being a business manager. Sometimes you have to clean up the dirty work, and unfortunately, sometimes you're not very good at cleaning up the dirty work. Sometimes you have to take the blame for others' lack of interest or for others' mistakes. Sometimes you have to be the bad guy and sometimes the bad guy decides to come after you. Most of the time--if you're like me--a lot of this stuff will feel extremely uncomfortable. You'll feel like a fish out of water, a dear in headlights or a dog with his tail in between his legs. You'll feel scared and humiliated. You'll wonder why in the world you got your job in the first place, and every day you'll walk home thinking, "I am totally not cut out for this."

That's about the point where you'll have no other choice but to accept the fact that you suck at what you do. And that's when things finally start to look up.

The point is this: sometimes you won't be very good at your job, even after you've done your best and even after you've tried to do your best 10 or 15 times. Change, growth and maturity require seasons and humility. Time gives you experience and humility helps you learn from experience. I personally am not a fan of this process, but there's nothing my perfectionism can do about it. All I can do is change my perspective. Rather than sulk about the fact that I'm not one of those personalities that can take the bull by the horns and wrestle it the ground (I'm more one of those people that grabs the horns and then tries to talk the bull into being a really nice cow. Yeah...I've learned one too many times that's usually not an effective tactic), I can view my weaknesses as a huge opportunity for growth--both as a working professional and, more importantly, as an individual. It's true, the past two days have shaken me (which brings up another point: should I really be letting these types of experiences impact me so personally? Since when is business even personal?) but they haven't beaten me. I'm bugged by my own incompetence, but that doesn't mean I am an incompetent. For heaven's sake, I'm 22 years old and barely graduated from college. Can I really expect myself to be the perfect negotiator, salesman and manager? Can I really expect myself to put those sassy businessmen in their place? (Ok, I kind of do expect that of myself...) Heaven forbid I have a few insecurities to still work through.

In truth, I spend most of my days feeling like I'm never gonna measure up to all the challenges I'm facing right now (i.e. work, social, personal, etc. [some come from mistakes and others from personal weakness). But that's simply not true. As I've filtered through my thoughts this evening, all I can express now is gratitude. I'm glad I'm being challenged--that's the only way I'm going to improve. I have no idea what I'm being prepared for, but for today that doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I'm walking out from the corner, drying my tears and enthusiastically looking forward to the next conflict where I can use my newly developed wisdom and insight. Am I gonna nail it? Ha, most likely not. But I'm committed to doing better next time. Mark my words.

I might not be cut out for my job (or life), but I pray the universe will bring it on anyway. In the words of Edmund Dantes, "do you worst."

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*I personally do not believe you have to act rudely or unkindly in order to be a successful person. The best business people exhibit Christlike qualities. There is a place for aggressiveness and sternness, but never a place for manipulation.