Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water

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Today I felt discontent. I really don't like that feeling. It makes me feel uncomfortable, irritated even. The feeling came as a result of getting lost in time as I browsed through one blog after the other, reading about all the awesome events and successes going on in everyone's summer plans (I feel embarrassed even admitting my susceptibility to the blog browsing phenomena, but..I guess I'm human, too).

All I wanted to do today was distract myself from my annoying, irreverent emotional state. So, I picked up a book and found this lovely passage:

"I have searched frantically for contentment for so many years in so many ways, and all these acquisitions and accomplishments--they run you down in the end. Life, if you keep chasing it so hard, will drive you to death. Time--when pursued like a bandit--will behave like one; always remaining one county or one room ahead of you, changing its name and hair color to elude you, slipping out the back door of the motel just as you're banging through the lobby with your newest search warrant, leaving only a burning cigarette in the ashtray to taunt you. At some point you have to stop because it won't. You have to admit that you can't catch it. That you're not supposed to catch it. At some point [...] you gotta let go and sit still and allow contentment to come to you. 

"Letting go, of course, is a scary enterprise for those of us who believe that the world revolves only because it has a handle on the top of it which we personally turn, and that if we were to drop this handle for even a moment, well--that would be the end of the universe. But try dropping it. This is the message I'm getting. Sit quietly for now and cease your relentless participation. Watch what happens. The birds do not crash dead out of the sky in mid-flight, after all. The trees do not wither and die, the rivers do not run red with blood. Life continues to go on. Even the Italian post office will keep limping along, doing its own thing without you--why are you so sure that your micromanagement of every moment in this whole world is so essential? Why don't you let it be? 

"I hear this argument and it appeals to me. I believe in it, intellectually. I really do. But then I wonder--with all my restless yearning, with all my hyped-up fervor and with this stupidly hungry nature of mine--what should I do with my energy, instead? 

"The answer arrives, too: Look for God, suggests my Guru. Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water." (Eat, Pray, Love. Pg. 155-156). 

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When I was a little girl, and even in jr. high and high School, I always dreamed of being a strong, confident, world-traveling, business oriented, do-whatever-it-takes-to-be-your-best kind of woman. At one point a wanted to be a lawyer, then a nurse, then a teacher, then back to being a lawyer, then a journalist, and finally ended up not know what the heck I wanted to be; I just knew I wanted to be the best at whatever career path I chose. Keep in mind: I've always been a bit career oriented. Not sure why, but it always seemed like a natural fit* (or at least my ego liked to think so...).

With this career mindset comes a secret little after effect that I don't particularly like to admit I have. In short, I get a little competitive when it comes to becoming that trong, confident, world-traveling, business oriented, do-whatever-it-takes-to-be-your-best kind of woman. Don't get be wrong, I'm not at all the kind of person who is constantly competing with co-workers trying to beat them out for the most attention or the best position. Nay, I just simply like to work hard and be the very best I can be. If that happens to reap rewards, then so be it (OK, yes. I do get a little excited when my hard work pays off). When I talk about competition, I'm referring to my tendency to compare myself to others and wonder constantly if my success or luck in life is as happy as the Jones'. It's one of those, the grass-seems-greener-on-the-other-side kind of complexes.

This is why I recently had to dismantle my facebook account. It was too tempting for me to stare at the computer for hours, observing one online profile after the other asking "how in the heck can all these people be seem so dang happy and content? What in the world am I not getting?" It's naive to assume everyone else's life is perfect, but like I said, I tend to think I'm missing out while everyone else has figured out exactly what they want and how to get it. I have the same issue with blogs. I read about everyone's life and I think, "Holy Cow! I wanna be just as cool or interesting or accomplished!" That's when the anxiety starts to boil and I begin to wonder why I'm living at home, barely working part time, and living day in and day out in my basketball shorts (now that I think about it..my hyper relaxed schedule is pretty awesome!).

My habit to compare and need to have what everyone else has is what I like to call "the chase"; and every now and again, I get stuck right in the middle of it. It's not because I want to always be getting my cake and eating it to. It's just...idk...like I have a hunger for acceptance, but in all the wrong ways.

A lot of the time, however, the sparks of my ambitions are temporary. Before I know it, my so called perfect dreams wilt under the inevitable consequences of mistaking pleasure (or prestige) for true happiness. It is in those moments when I am humbled, and I realize--quite painfully--my priorities have been aligned poorly. Elizabeth Gilbert described that painful moment of self awareness this way:

"It's like you're scared to death of what will happen if you're really alone (or in my case, rejected by society and/or loved ones if I am unsuccessful). But here's what you gotta understand. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about [this so called success], you'll have a vaccum there, an open spot---a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in--God will rush in---and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using [your vain ambitions or insecurities] to block that door. Let it go" (Eat, Pray, Love. pg. 150). 

The truth stings, and that's when I have to sit down, take two (more like a lot of) deep breaths, and seek solace from the source that can offer true happiness, peace, and contentment. Of course, being eligible to receive that peace takes sincere effort and sacrifice on my part. I have to be honest in my willingness to turn over my wants, my goals, my control, and let God fill my heart with his love and guide me to what he knows will make me most happy. For a girl who often believes the more she travels, the more people she influences, the more rare food she eats, or the more education she receives the happier she'll be, the concept of opening up to God's love, or seeking God like a man whose head is on fire seeks for God, can seem a bit...simplistic.

Of course, I don't believe I could have a more incorrect perception. The beauty of God's love is that it's simple, but no where near simplistic.

In knowing this little fact about me (do you like how I just admitted how prideful I am?) you can imagine why I was so impressed with Elizabeth Gilbert's testimony about contentment. Gilbert's biography "Eat, Pray, Love" is dedicated entirely to the story of her soul search for happiness. While I don't agree with all of Gilbert's philosophies and methods for seeking happiness, I do believe she has some golden nuggets of truth worth recording. I think there's a time in all our lives when, like Gilbert, we must realize "all [our] acquisitions and accomplishments [run us down] in the end. Life, if you keep chasing it so hard, will drive you to death."

The prophet Jacob in the Book of Mormon spoke often of people's tendency to chase for riches rather than the divine blessings God would have them pursue. "But before ye seek for riches, seek ye for the kingdom of God. And after ye have obtained a hope in Christ ye shall obtain riches, if ye seek them; and ye will seek them for the intent to do good—to clothe the naked, and to feed the hungry, and to liberate the captive, and administer relief to the sick and the afflicted" (Jacob 2:18).


When I read Jacob's word, I believe "riches" can be extended to more than just money. Elder Oaks said the following about four types of riches: 

"Are we truly prepared to have our Eternal Judge attach this enormous significance to what we really desire? Many scriptures speak of what we desire in terms of what we seek. “He that seeketh me early shall find me, and shall not be forsaken” (D&C 88:83). “Seek ye earnestly the best gifts” (D&C 46:8). “He that diligently seeketh shall find” (1 Nephi 10:19). “Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you” (D&C 88:63).  

Readjusting our desires to give highest priority to the things of eternity is not easy. We are all tempted to desire that worldly quartet of property, prominence, pride, and power. We might desire these, but we should not fix them as our highest priorities. Those whose highest desire is to acquire possessions fall into the trap of materialism. They fail to heed the warning “Seek not after riches nor the vain things of this world” (Alma 39:14; see also Jacob 2:18)." (Elder Oaks, Desire, April 2011 General Conference). 

My goal in addressing this subject is to support the gospel truth that worldly success does not bring true happiness. Yes, praises, awards, and emotional fan clubs can cause us to feel happy--but only temporarily. I believe Gilbert when she says over time, our drive for accomplishments and acquisitions will wear us down. However, I also believe that if we sincerely seek to know God and to follow his will for us, we will be blessed in our endeavors. Ambitious or not. But remember, those blessings have absolutely no meaning until we, on an individual, personal basis, "obtain a hope in Christ" (Jacob 2:18). (That's a really important truth by the way, so read it again if you need to).

So, on the days when I find myself twirling my hair in frustration because my life is supposedly not nearly as exciting or interesting as so and so's, or the moments when I feel incredibly lost and discontent despite the plethora of blessings around me, I must remember to be grateful and "Look for God. Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water." (Eat, Pray, Love. Pg. 155-156). For in God, my heart will break open and the beauty of life will immerse into my soul. All my vain chasing will cease, and instead, I will be a happy spirit with a sincere desire to do what God would have me do to build his kingdom, and to help others feel happy, too.
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*Of course, there was (and is) a substantial part of me who wanted (and wants) to be a good wife, a good mother, and a service oriented woman in the church. I believe strongly that running a household requires the same skillsets as managing a corporate office, or other career pursuits. Interestingly enough, running a household (i.e. raising kids, nurturing a husband, etc.) has eternal rewards, whereas a pretty stipend only gets you so far.