I don't believe I'm a discouraging person. But on rock bottom days I feel discouraged. I also don't believe I'm an unkind or uncompassionate person. But on rock bottom days, I feel unforgiving and resentful. And that simply isn't me. I don't like it when I'm not myself.
The other day, I was reading Stephen R. Covey's The Divine Center. In it, he quotes an essay,author unknown. I want to share it because I feel like it articulates my feelings exactly.
Please. . . Hear What I'm Not SayingDon't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the mask I wear. For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that is second nature wit me, but don't be fooled.
I give the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unraffled with me, within as well as without; that confidence is my name and coolness is my game; that the waters are calm and that I'm in command and I need no one. But don't believe it. Please don't. My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask, my ever-varying and ever-concealing mask. Beneath lies no smugness, no coolness, no complacence. Beneath dwells the real me, in confusion, in fear, in loneliness. But I hide this; I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness being exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant, sophisticated facade to help me pretend, to shield my from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only salvation. And I know it. It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, form my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect. But I don't tell you this. I don't dare. I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by love and acceptance. I'm afraid that you will think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh will kill me. I'm afraid that deep down inside I'm nothing, that I'm just no good, and that you'll see and reject me. So I play games, my desperate, pretending games, with a facade assurance on the outside and a trembling child within. And so begins the parade of masks, the glittering but empty parade of masks. And my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter with you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that's really nothing, nothing of what's crying within me. So when I'm going through my routine, don't be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying; what I'd like to be able to say; what, for survival, I need to say but I can't say. I dislike the hiding. Honestly I do. I dislike the superficial phony games I'm playing.
I'd really like to be genuine, spontaneous and me; but you have to help me. You have to help me by holding out your hand, even then that's the last thing I seem to want or need. Each time you are kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart beings to grow wings. Very small wings. Very feeble wings. But wings. With your sensitivity and sympathy and your power of understanding, I can make it. You can breathe life into me. It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. But love is stronger than strong walls, and therein lies my hope. Please try to beat down the walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands, for a child is sensitive, and I am a child.
Who am I, you may wonder. For I am every man, every woman, every child. . . every human you meet.
Anonymous
after some more contemplation...(a work in progress)
Fortunately, moments of devastation do not always last long (at least today they didn't last long). Heavenly Father always gives us relief and peace just when we need it most. Sometimes it will feel like the peace is coming too late, but in reality, Christ is never too late to calm the troubled hearts of his people.
I really don't like a lot of the feelings I felt today, but I am sincerely grateful for the emotional pain. It reminds me of my nothingness in this vast universe. And more importantly, the pain helps me remember the role of the atonement in my life. Now, I'm not talking about my nothingness is terms of my worth, for God loves all his children and we are all of divine heritage. I am referring to nothingness in terms of power, because without Christ and the love of God I have no power, which means I, by myself, can do little to nothing when attempting to overcome the burden of my insecurities.
Trials a Part of Discipleship
We've all been taught that each person will endure specific trials that will help them realize the absolute necessity for the Savior in his/her life. This is, in fact, part of the path of discipleship. I'm beginning to realize that my trials seem to focus on the emotional spectrum. This does not make be better or worse than any other person. It is simply my unique situation in life (or at least has been for the past 21 years). I am aware of others who struggle with physical/health problems, while many other people must endure psychological affliction. We cannot compare one's trial to another because, as is obvious, we are all different. And God knows which hardships will shape us into our full potential. But as different as we all are, there will come a time in everyone's life when we will feel the emptiness, the bitterness, the hopelessness, the utter destruction and absolute fear of the adversary. In those moments it will feel as if there is no possible means of escape. We will see ourselves as the natural, carnal, sensual and devilish flesh of men and women our sins have helped us become. In that time you will feel as though God has abandoned you. But keep in mind that all is not lost. that confused, hopeless, sinful being is not who you really are. Elder F. Enzio Busche of the Seventy said the following on the subject of discipleship and enduring trials: "The issue is truth, my dear brothers and sisters, and the only way to find truth is through uncompromising self-education toward self-honesty to see the original “real me,” the child of God, in its innocence and potential in contrast to the influence from the other part of me, “the flesh,” with its selfish desires and foolishness" (F. Enzio Busche, “Truth Is the Issue,” Ensign, Nov 1993, 24).
When your moment of truth arrives, remember from where the true power of redemption comes . It does not come from you--no matter how confident in yourself you think you are. The power comes from the most divine source of all: Jesus Christ.
This is why it is so crucial that we all strive to sincerely serve one another. and treat one another with kindness. Unless someone reveals to us their current heartache, we usually have no idea when someone is hurting, or battling, as Elder Busche might say.
Today, I believe I was given the opportunity to have a very brief "moment of truth" as Elder Busche refers to it. For a few minutes, I felt like I saw myself as "the flesh." My level of vulnerability felt intense and overwhelming. It seemed as if I could see straight into the depths of my soul. But then, I was blessed with hope. And while there will be many more days when I feel I've hit rock bottom, I know that a life centered on Christ will make me whole and calm again. I know that the "real me," is a wonderful child of God who can do amazing things and who will one day return to a home of peace, joy and happiness. Lastly, I know there is a "real me" inside of every person. And that is the person I will continue to look for in every body I know--that innocent, potential-filled child who is also capable of great work with the help of Him who makes it all possible. "You are glorious and eternal," pleads Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf. "It is my prayer and blessing that when you look at your reflection, you will be able to see beyond imperfections and self doubts, and recognize who you really are: glorious sons and daughters of God," (Uchtdort, Dieter F., "Our True Identity," CES Fireside, Nov 2009).
He is good. Life is good.
Fortunately, moments of devastation do not always last long (at least today they didn't last long). Heavenly Father always gives us relief and peace just when we need it most. Sometimes it will feel like the peace is coming too late, but in reality, Christ is never too late to calm the troubled hearts of his people.
I really don't like a lot of the feelings I felt today, but I am sincerely grateful for the emotional pain. It reminds me of my nothingness in this vast universe. And more importantly, the pain helps me remember the role of the atonement in my life. Now, I'm not talking about my nothingness is terms of my worth, for God loves all his children and we are all of divine heritage. I am referring to nothingness in terms of power, because without Christ and the love of God I have no power, which means I, by myself, can do little to nothing when attempting to overcome the burden of my insecurities.
Trials a Part of Discipleship
We've all been taught that each person will endure specific trials that will help them realize the absolute necessity for the Savior in his/her life. This is, in fact, part of the path of discipleship. I'm beginning to realize that my trials seem to focus on the emotional spectrum. This does not make be better or worse than any other person. It is simply my unique situation in life (or at least has been for the past 21 years). I am aware of others who struggle with physical/health problems, while many other people must endure psychological affliction. We cannot compare one's trial to another because, as is obvious, we are all different. And God knows which hardships will shape us into our full potential. But as different as we all are, there will come a time in everyone's life when we will feel the emptiness, the bitterness, the hopelessness, the utter destruction and absolute fear of the adversary. In those moments it will feel as if there is no possible means of escape. We will see ourselves as the natural, carnal, sensual and devilish flesh of men and women our sins have helped us become. In that time you will feel as though God has abandoned you. But keep in mind that all is not lost. that confused, hopeless, sinful being is not who you really are. Elder F. Enzio Busche of the Seventy said the following on the subject of discipleship and enduring trials: "The issue is truth, my dear brothers and sisters, and the only way to find truth is through uncompromising self-education toward self-honesty to see the original “real me,” the child of God, in its innocence and potential in contrast to the influence from the other part of me, “the flesh,” with its selfish desires and foolishness" (F. Enzio Busche, “Truth Is the Issue,” Ensign, Nov 1993, 24).
When your moment of truth arrives, remember from where the true power of redemption comes . It does not come from you--no matter how confident in yourself you think you are. The power comes from the most divine source of all: Jesus Christ.
"[...] a disciple of Christ is therefore constantly, even in the midst of all regular activities, striving all day long through silent prayer and contemplation to be in the depth of self-awareness to keep him in the state of meekness and lowliness of heart. It is the prophet Moroni who points out that “because of meekness and lowliness of heart cometh the visitation of the Holy Ghost, which Comforter filleth with hope and perfect love (Moro. 8:26). With this enlightened understanding of the deadly battlefront inside of us, we are painfully aware that we can only ask for and receive the help of the Lord, as the God of truth, under the condition of complete and relentless self-honesty," (Elder F. Enzio Busche).
This is why it is so crucial that we all strive to sincerely serve one another. and treat one another with kindness. Unless someone reveals to us their current heartache, we usually have no idea when someone is hurting, or battling, as Elder Busche might say.
"This war is a war that has to be fought by all of Heavenly Father’s children, whether they know about it or not. But without a keen knowledge of the plan of salvation, and without the influence of the divine Light of Christ to bring us awareness, this war is being fought subconsciously, and therefore its battlefronts are not even known to us, and we have no chance to win. Wars in the inner self that are fought subconsciously, with unknown battlefronts, lead to defeats which also hurt us subconsciously. These defeats are reflected in our conscious life as expressions of misery, such as a lack of self-confidence, lack of happiness and joy, lack of faith and testimony, or as overreactions of our subconscious self, which we see then as pride, arrogance, or in other forms of misbehavior—even as acts of cruelty and indecency. No! There is no salvation without Christ, and Christ cannot be with us unless we pay the price of the constant fight for self-honesty," (Elder F. Enzio Busche).
Today, I believe I was given the opportunity to have a very brief "moment of truth" as Elder Busche refers to it. For a few minutes, I felt like I saw myself as "the flesh." My level of vulnerability felt intense and overwhelming. It seemed as if I could see straight into the depths of my soul. But then, I was blessed with hope. And while there will be many more days when I feel I've hit rock bottom, I know that a life centered on Christ will make me whole and calm again. I know that the "real me," is a wonderful child of God who can do amazing things and who will one day return to a home of peace, joy and happiness. Lastly, I know there is a "real me" inside of every person. And that is the person I will continue to look for in every body I know--that innocent, potential-filled child who is also capable of great work with the help of Him who makes it all possible. "You are glorious and eternal," pleads Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf. "It is my prayer and blessing that when you look at your reflection, you will be able to see beyond imperfections and self doubts, and recognize who you really are: glorious sons and daughters of God," (Uchtdort, Dieter F., "Our True Identity," CES Fireside, Nov 2009).
He is good. Life is good.
Works Cited
Covey, Stephen R. "The Divine Center: Why We Need a Life Centered on God and Christ and How We Attain It." Deseret Book: Salt Lake City, UT. 1982.
F. Enzio Busche, “Truth Is the Issue,” Ensign, Nov 1993, 24.
Uchtdorf, Dieter F., "Our True Identity," CES Fireside, Nov 2009.
The above post was written as a means for releasing my thoughts and feelings as of late. Most of this post is scattered and does not fully connect, but it is a work in progress. As far as the content is concerned, I am fully responsible for what is written, however, I acknowledge a deep sense of appreciation and love for the words shared in modern revelation by our apostles and prophets. The above post represents my testimony and current understanding of gospel principles. Please consider the fact that I am still very much a novice in LDS Theology, and pray that forgiveness will be extended for any inaccuracies. It is not my intention to promote false doctrine or doubt., rather I hope that in sharing my personal experiences I might be able to shed small, simple rays of hope for those who are currently troubled.
xoxoxo
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