Have I ever told you that I HATE making decisions? Especially decisions that feel life altering. For a long time I thought I wanted to go to Boston this summer: prestigious internship, big city life, college credits checked off, a break from Provo, new scene, etc.
But for the past 5 days, my mind and heart have been going WILD. But first, let's back up and find the real reason behind all this second guessing.
It started about 2 years ago when I decided to transfer to BYU from ASU. Back when I was a freshman, I learned very quickly that I didn't want to be a journalist like I had originally planned. I got really tired of writing stories about simulated car jackings and stolen mopeds. My choice to move to Utah was based off of a desire to leave home before settling down, and have a "different" college experience. When I was trying to make the final decision to transfer, I had to pick a major. My main concern was to preserve as many credits as possible. So I stayed within the communications genre. I originally intended to apply for the PR program, but then last minute decided to give advertising a shot. During my first semester at BYU I took all the pre-recs and completed the program application. I actually almost didn't apply because I was intensely worried about whether or not advertising was the right path for me. For a short time I considered just majoring in history or American studies because I was good at writing essays. But with the encouragement of my professors, I decided to give advertising a try anyway. The whole time I was TERRIFIED of the potential rejection.
Low and behold, I was accepted. Of course I was excited. After all, wasn't this the reason why I had abandoned my ASU roots? I was accepted in January 2009 and began classes as soon as I could, which was Spring semester that same year. For the next 3 semesters I would continue to pursue my so-called advertising ambition. I would attend AdLab meetings, stay up late writing brand models, read Advertising Age when asked, dream about living in NY during the summers like everyone else, and talk really energetically when presenting to clients. Time kept going, but my passion for the career never really caught fire like I thought it would--like I expected it would. Sure, I did really well in all my classes, and there are some parts of my major that I genuinely enjoy. But...something was (and still is) missing.
I've never been able to put my finger on it. Perhaps it is just a lack of passion for the world of viral videos and social media. Or maybe I've just never really overcome the intimidation factor. Whatever the case may be, I feel like something isn't clicking. And now is NOT the time to feel like a misfit in my major. Not only because I'll be graduating soon, but also because this summer I've been accepted for a 4-month advertising internship in Boston. But lets get real. If you were to ask me how I felt about this opportunity, I would have to be honest.
I don't think I want it.
At least not in the way you'd expect me to (assuming you even have an expectation of me). I'm not excited to go live by myself in a big city and attend classes at a different university and work in a small office doing something I apparently don't even love.
I've been thinking for a long time that maybe I'm just scared. It is true that I'm afraid to venture out of my comfort zone, but I feel like this situation is more than just overcoming a fear of living by myself. I think I'm more fearful of the fact that I'm not listening very well; meaning, I'm not doing what my heart really wants to do. For so long I've done the practical thing. I've done what I thought was expected of me, what I was supposed to do. But I don't like that about myself. It bothers me that I care about the approval of others enough to cancel out my own goals. I'm finally getting to a point where I'm tired of trying to live other people's dreams. Because in the end, it all just feels like a nightmare.
The fact that I'm a naturally anxious person doesn't help my circumstance. I worry...A LOT...about what to do this summer, and basically for the rest of my life. I worry about what will happen, if I'll be successful, if I'll ever get married and be like the women I revere. I fret over whether or not I should just move forward with a career and let family fall into place, if it ever does. Call me ridiculous. I already do. But these are real concerns. My concerns. And I know that other people have them too. It's not that I like to worry. I promise: I would love not to feel like my stomach is twisting into tiny knots while my mind spins in circles and my pulse gradually accelerates to full speed. But that's not an excuse to worry, is it? It's OK to recognize the worries. But it's not OK to feed the worries.
A few weeks ago, Julie Beck, Relief Society President of the Mormon Church, visited my stake. She hosted a question and answer session for about an hour, allowing my fellow sisters to ask sincere questions about what they should do about their futures. Basically, all these girls are just as worried as I am. Throughout the whole meeting, Sis. Beck spoke constantly of how the women in the church today need to be strong and forward thinking. We musn't let discouragement and fear hold us back. Her boldness caused me to reflect on my current perception of myself. This girl who keeps freaking out...she isn't who I really am. Deep down, I'm a funny, happy person. Where did that women venture off to? Where is she hiding? The real me is an incredible person. The same principle applies to all the other women in the church...and the world...and YOU.
I remember something Elder Wilford Andersen said in General Conference last week. He talked about peace. About how peace doesn't come from circumstance, rather the Savior and his gospel. Andersen said, "for most of us, sadness and fear begin to melt away and are replaced by happiness and peace when we put our trust in the Author of the plan of happiness and when we develop faith in the Prince of Peace" (The Rock of Our Redeemer). In addition, Elder Bednar once taught that peace is a gift from the Savior. Bednar said, "it is [the Savior's] peace that He gives to us" (My Peace I Give Unto You). So naturally the question is, how do I become worthy to receive the git of peace?
Amidst all this turmoil, I do know some things. And it is those fundamental principles, those core beliefs that keep me moving forward. It's hard not to rely on compulsory means to suppress the anxiety I often feel. It's hard not to bundle up in my shell and focus solely on my needs. But I know closing myself off from the world will only perpetuate my insecurities. A pity party only brings misery. Falling into the habit self-exclusion would eliminate an opportunity to develop compassion and humility.
I'll be honest. I'm frustrated that my true passions have yet to be discovered. Maybe I just haven't opened my heart up enough to actually listen and follow those passions. But I pray...and hope...that someday soon I'll be able to abandon my disease to please and finally do what I want to do. Or at least be able to shed my fear of disapproval long enough to at least try something. So often I shoot down any ambition that comes to mind because I tell myself I'm not capable. But that's just a lie. Deep down, I know that with righteous desires and God's help, anything is possible.
I hope you don't mind that I'm exposing myself. Perhaps posting your personal thoughts on a public page isn't the way you would handle your every day crisis. But I guess that's the beauty of a blog. I get to write whatever I want. I don't want to worry about vulnerability. (Oh look. There's that worry word again.) It's almost liberating to confess. I've kept everything bottled up inside, so much so, that I can't help but have a crazy freak out moment once in a while. Sometimes that's the only way to express what's happening underneath.
Wait, didn't this all start with how I HATE making decisions? Yes. It did. I don't know what I'm going to do this summer, but I want to take advantage of this opportunity to follow my heart. Sure, I could go to Boston, but what if that's not the thing that will make me most happy? What if, for this summer, I just want to enjoy life? What if I want to take classes that I never let myself take? What if I want to go hiking? Take vacations? Spend time with family and friends? Serve in my ward? Or just read books and watch my favorite films?
I want this summer to be one of change. For the first time in a LONG time I want to do what I want to do. Not what the ID inside my head tells me to do. My dad has recently been teaching me that missing out on opportunities is a fact of life. We can't do everything. But we can listen closely to the desires of our hearts and do our best to follow suit. Don't be afraid, like me, to do what makes you happy. Don't let yourself believe that you're not good enough or capable of following the plan Heavenly Father made for you.
Low and behold, I was accepted. Of course I was excited. After all, wasn't this the reason why I had abandoned my ASU roots? I was accepted in January 2009 and began classes as soon as I could, which was Spring semester that same year. For the next 3 semesters I would continue to pursue my so-called advertising ambition. I would attend AdLab meetings, stay up late writing brand models, read Advertising Age when asked, dream about living in NY during the summers like everyone else, and talk really energetically when presenting to clients. Time kept going, but my passion for the career never really caught fire like I thought it would--like I expected it would. Sure, I did really well in all my classes, and there are some parts of my major that I genuinely enjoy. But...something was (and still is) missing.
I've never been able to put my finger on it. Perhaps it is just a lack of passion for the world of viral videos and social media. Or maybe I've just never really overcome the intimidation factor. Whatever the case may be, I feel like something isn't clicking. And now is NOT the time to feel like a misfit in my major. Not only because I'll be graduating soon, but also because this summer I've been accepted for a 4-month advertising internship in Boston. But lets get real. If you were to ask me how I felt about this opportunity, I would have to be honest.
I don't think I want it.
At least not in the way you'd expect me to (assuming you even have an expectation of me). I'm not excited to go live by myself in a big city and attend classes at a different university and work in a small office doing something I apparently don't even love.
I've been thinking for a long time that maybe I'm just scared. It is true that I'm afraid to venture out of my comfort zone, but I feel like this situation is more than just overcoming a fear of living by myself. I think I'm more fearful of the fact that I'm not listening very well; meaning, I'm not doing what my heart really wants to do. For so long I've done the practical thing. I've done what I thought was expected of me, what I was supposed to do. But I don't like that about myself. It bothers me that I care about the approval of others enough to cancel out my own goals. I'm finally getting to a point where I'm tired of trying to live other people's dreams. Because in the end, it all just feels like a nightmare.
The fact that I'm a naturally anxious person doesn't help my circumstance. I worry...A LOT...about what to do this summer, and basically for the rest of my life. I worry about what will happen, if I'll be successful, if I'll ever get married and be like the women I revere. I fret over whether or not I should just move forward with a career and let family fall into place, if it ever does. Call me ridiculous. I already do. But these are real concerns. My concerns. And I know that other people have them too. It's not that I like to worry. I promise: I would love not to feel like my stomach is twisting into tiny knots while my mind spins in circles and my pulse gradually accelerates to full speed. But that's not an excuse to worry, is it? It's OK to recognize the worries. But it's not OK to feed the worries.
A few weeks ago, Julie Beck, Relief Society President of the Mormon Church, visited my stake. She hosted a question and answer session for about an hour, allowing my fellow sisters to ask sincere questions about what they should do about their futures. Basically, all these girls are just as worried as I am. Throughout the whole meeting, Sis. Beck spoke constantly of how the women in the church today need to be strong and forward thinking. We musn't let discouragement and fear hold us back. Her boldness caused me to reflect on my current perception of myself. This girl who keeps freaking out...she isn't who I really am. Deep down, I'm a funny, happy person. Where did that women venture off to? Where is she hiding? The real me is an incredible person. The same principle applies to all the other women in the church...and the world...and YOU.
I remember something Elder Wilford Andersen said in General Conference last week. He talked about peace. About how peace doesn't come from circumstance, rather the Savior and his gospel. Andersen said, "for most of us, sadness and fear begin to melt away and are replaced by happiness and peace when we put our trust in the Author of the plan of happiness and when we develop faith in the Prince of Peace" (The Rock of Our Redeemer). In addition, Elder Bednar once taught that peace is a gift from the Savior. Bednar said, "it is [the Savior's] peace that He gives to us" (My Peace I Give Unto You). So naturally the question is, how do I become worthy to receive the git of peace?
Amidst all this turmoil, I do know some things. And it is those fundamental principles, those core beliefs that keep me moving forward. It's hard not to rely on compulsory means to suppress the anxiety I often feel. It's hard not to bundle up in my shell and focus solely on my needs. But I know closing myself off from the world will only perpetuate my insecurities. A pity party only brings misery. Falling into the habit self-exclusion would eliminate an opportunity to develop compassion and humility.
I'll be honest. I'm frustrated that my true passions have yet to be discovered. Maybe I just haven't opened my heart up enough to actually listen and follow those passions. But I pray...and hope...that someday soon I'll be able to abandon my disease to please and finally do what I want to do. Or at least be able to shed my fear of disapproval long enough to at least try something. So often I shoot down any ambition that comes to mind because I tell myself I'm not capable. But that's just a lie. Deep down, I know that with righteous desires and God's help, anything is possible.
I hope you don't mind that I'm exposing myself. Perhaps posting your personal thoughts on a public page isn't the way you would handle your every day crisis. But I guess that's the beauty of a blog. I get to write whatever I want. I don't want to worry about vulnerability. (Oh look. There's that worry word again.) It's almost liberating to confess. I've kept everything bottled up inside, so much so, that I can't help but have a crazy freak out moment once in a while. Sometimes that's the only way to express what's happening underneath.
Wait, didn't this all start with how I HATE making decisions? Yes. It did. I don't know what I'm going to do this summer, but I want to take advantage of this opportunity to follow my heart. Sure, I could go to Boston, but what if that's not the thing that will make me most happy? What if, for this summer, I just want to enjoy life? What if I want to take classes that I never let myself take? What if I want to go hiking? Take vacations? Spend time with family and friends? Serve in my ward? Or just read books and watch my favorite films?
I want this summer to be one of change. For the first time in a LONG time I want to do what I want to do. Not what the ID inside my head tells me to do. My dad has recently been teaching me that missing out on opportunities is a fact of life. We can't do everything. But we can listen closely to the desires of our hearts and do our best to follow suit. Don't be afraid, like me, to do what makes you happy. Don't let yourself believe that you're not good enough or capable of following the plan Heavenly Father made for you.
I recall a quote from Elder Holland's talk, Lessons Learned From Liberty Jail. Holland declared, "[Heavenly Father] and [Jesus Christ] have prepared, planned, and guaranteed your victory if you desire it. So be believing and 'endure it well' (D&C121:8). In the end it "shall be for thy good" (D&C 122:7), and you will see 'everlasting dominion flow unto you forever and ever without compulsory means' (D&C 121:46)."
Sources
1. My Peace I Give Unto You, Elder Bednar, 2004 BYUI Devotional
2. Lessons Learned From Liberty Jail, Elder Holland, 2008 CES Fireside
3. The Rock of Our Redeemer, Elder Wilford Andersen, 180th General Conference
Sources
1. My Peace I Give Unto You, Elder Bednar, 2004 BYUI Devotional
2. Lessons Learned From Liberty Jail, Elder Holland, 2008 CES Fireside
3. The Rock of Our Redeemer, Elder Wilford Andersen, 180th General Conference
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